Yet another start.....

This morning I got up and was completely unhappy with the way I feel about myself. I feel like I have just let myself go..Like I dont care about me anymore...When did that happen. When did I start worrying about what other people thought of me so much that I let them run over me. I have gained back up to 222.2lbs I feel disgusted with myself. I feel like I have just given up. I started thinking about this today....Who am I....So I am going to start over...(AGAIN). I am going to try to discover who I am, what I want to do with my life. If I am not happy with myself, how can I expect someone else to be happy with me? I really can't. And I am currently not happy with a whole lot of things about me. I am not happy with the way I have disregarded my relationships with the people who love me and that I have just taken for granted would always be there for me.I am good at telling other people to not let things get to them..for them not to be disheartened...but I dont take my own advice. I have always been better at taking care of other people than I have at taking care of myself. I need to work on that. I let my desk get so cluttered and the office so overwhelmed that I hated even walking thru it to get to the kitchen..much less spending time in here. Well today I started fixing that. I cleared off and organized my desk. I have a bunch of paperwork to file...but it is at least organized and not overwhelming. Tomorrow I think I will tackle my bedroom. I have pretty much just gotten so depressed that I have given up on everything. It doesnt ever seem to be easy....I guess that is what happens when you try to take on the world and make it better....you end up with 5 adults and 8 children all under one roof. Its hard. I know that God will never put us where he cant or wont sustain us..but sometimes I wonder if some of it was really God...or me. I am always a sucker...I always want to help the hurting...not realizing at the time that it will hurt me or my husband. He is the same way...which can be a lethal combination. But we are managing most of the time....I need some things to change in the coming year. I have come to realize that I am the only one who can change them...Now to figure out how. Tonight I went to the gym...wasnt there long but at least it was a start. I know this is probably a ramble...but they are random thoughts that I needed to say. Maybe I will try to put some things in perspective tomorrow and try to set some goals.... we shall see.

Creating Myself

"Life isn't about finding yourself--life is about creating yourself." ~George Bernard Shaw So I got some things accomplished today...not nearly what I had wanted to but more than I had hoped. That sounds crazy but it is the way my mind works. I set these crazy high expectations of myself and then get upset when I dont make them instead of being thankful that I accomplished something. I managed to go to the gym, run an errand for momma, and go to the grocery store. Did I last the whole 2 hours that I wanted to at the gym...nope...but I did last 20 minutes on the bike and go 3.56 miles on a random setting, that went up and down hills. I havent been to the gym in forever so why cant I be proud of myself for making the effort to go...maybe if I get up and make it there tomorrow. I managed to eat somewhat healthier today but have beat myself up for eating 2 doughnuts this morning before deciding that I was going to the gym. I started clearing my desk and working on my list for tomorrow...then I got distracted...so my desk didnt get cleaned off. But I should be proud of all the paper that got sorted and ready for filing and the trash that got thrown away. I started cleaning out my closet today, but didnt have the chance to finish it...it is on my list for tomorrow. I was completely disgusted with myself this morning when I got on the scale and saw that I was back up to 225lbs. I read a statement the other day that a friend of ours wrote on his page about all these women who complain about their weight and never get off their buts to do anything about it. I dont want to be that person. so I only lasted 20 minutes today...maybe tomorrow will be 30. I am the only one who can change me... I feel like I get caught up in stupid stuff and lose my focus on what I should be doing...I feel like....oh wait, I see a butterfly. REALLY! but that is how I feel. I have to work on that. tomorrow is a new page in this book, I am going to bed early with the hopes of getting up and starting a little earlier and creating the day I hope for!

Dreams into Plans.....

So I read this quote today....She turned her cant's into CANS, and her Dreams in Plans. I think this is going to be my new motto. Something I will strive towards on every page of this book I am writing in called MY LIFE! I didn't write about my page yesterday because I spent the day living the page. After a few yard sales, helping someone I have gotten very close to pack up to join her husband in their own journey, and doing a little bit of cleaning, we ate dinner and curled up on the couch and watched a movie with my hunny. It was a good day overall. Today, I got up this morning and took momma some blankets for their trip that she forgot at home...ended up setting dads phone off in the middle of church trying to get a hold of Momma. I felt so bad about that...but he just laughed it off. I love him! Went by the store and grabbed a few things, came home made breakfast...and then went and laid back down and slept for the next 5 hours, got up made dinner and play World of Warcraft with the hubby. Accomplished absolutely NOTHING today...but I am ok with that. I have been thinking tonight about where I want my life to be and how I am going to get there. I need to set some goals in life, in love, and in business. I have always heard it said if you are not happy where you are there is only one person that can change it...YOU! So tomorrow I am going to do my best to get on that scale and see how far I have really let myself go and do some things to fix it. I am going to sit down and really look at where our business it and set some goals to get it to where I want it to be. I have already started working on fixing the things I dont like in my relationship. We were supposed to get away this weekend. We ended up just getting away at home. Resting, spending time together and just being. It feels really good! I feel like a different person, I just needed to realize that I need a reset on my priorities, that my house needs a thorough cleaning as well as my soul. I need to remember who I am and what I believe in..I believe in me! I love what I do, I love who I am with, and I love my kids. This has been an eye opening weekend. Now I just have to put things into motion and learn to follow through. Looking forward to the week ahead and turning my Cant's into CAN's and my Dreams into PLANS!!!!

It's my story.......I will hold the pen!! Thanks!

Wow where to begin...I can almost promise this post is going to be super duper long. My life has seemed to slip into a chaotic roller coaster ride for the last 2 weeks. From having the scariest 7 and a half hours of my life. We as well as the doctors thought that Shane was having a heart attack....he sure had all the symptoms. Turned out to be a dangerously low magnesium level and an electrolyte imbalance. I never EVER want to go thru that again. He told me on the way to the hospital that he thought he was going to die. I literally thought I was going to lose him that night. It makes you second guess A LOT of things that you thought were important to you. You find out your priorities are and have been a little or a lot in my case out of whack. He is finally feeling better but the last 2 days have been a little shaky...he says he isn't feeling good again and that he is super tired. He has been taking the medicine so hopefully he just isn't sleeping well. The past 2 Saturdays I have done a wedding with Manda. The first one put me in bed for 3 days...I literally could barely move. I couldnt stand to put any weight on my legs at all without sending sharp shooting pains up my legs into my back. Later in that week Manda calls me and we end up taking her to the ER she has no feeling in her left arm and her left leg wasnt working properly. After sitting in the ER in Enterprise for 2.5 hours and watching people being treated before us because they were complaining about the wait. We left and took her to Flowers in Dothan. Were seen within an hour. Tests ran all negative...was told needed to followup once the move to North Carolina was made the following Monday. Shot another wedding with her and Erin that Saturday...she was really hurting all the way thru it, but she was a trooper.Got a call during that wedding that my brother had had a heart attack, had gotten a stint within 15 minutes of being at the hospital and was in intensive care. Sunday went to Nat's house and shot Landin's 4th birthday party, was getting ready to leave and Manda text me and said she couldnt feel her arm at all. Back to the ER we went. More tests, more tests, and yet more tests, to be told to be back in the morning at 445 mind you its after midnight at this point....we should have just spend the night. Anyway...we were back the next morning only to find out that registration doesnt even open until 530, and that only 2 of the 4 MRI's needed had been ordered and the only way to get the other 2 ordered was to go back thru the ER. AGAIN! Frustrated doesnt even begin to cover it. But we did....Thank God for small miracles....we got the doctor that morning that we had seen the week before, he truly listened. THANK YOU DR. MCDONALD! He ordered what needed to be ordered and within hours Manda was diagnosed with MS. She was overwhelmed to say the least, again I was slapped in the face that time is precious. Relationships are precious,friendships..... As I sat and held her hand that day and gave her big hugs from her momma (who was on her way with her dad as soon as she got the call) spoke to her husband ( whom had already left for military training in North Carolina and couldnt come running as much as he wanted to do just that), you start to question why God puts you in places at certain times. Not that I am questioning his judgement...just why he would trust me to be there for all of that. My heart ached for all of them. This is a girl that 3 weeks ago really didnt know me from Adam's housecat. And now I knew more about her than most people. I felt closer to her than I knew what to do with. We left the hospital and went straight to the neurologist office where she had spent most of the previous friday having test's done, only to have more tests done. She had a brainwave test done and the good news of the day was that her brain is still working properly and there are no delays....THANK YOU GOD!!! ON to the spinal tap x's 3. It was truly the most heartbreaking thing to watch this person that I have come to love soooo much hurt so bad. He couldnt get it....but again she tried her hardest to let him try. As I am standing there trying to calm her down and tell that she can do it...I am watching him dig around trying to find the right space to get the fluid..I wanted so bad to scream at him to stop hurting her. He originally wanted to start aggressive steroid infusion therapy that day...but when he saw how exhausted she was, he said there was no way that he could put her thru that. So we went home.....her parents came in that night, it was so hard to walk out the door and leave her. I know they are her parents and love her more than their own life, but it just felt like I was walking out on her. It sucked! It still sucks. They have done infusion therapy on her for the last 4 days and she has one more tomorrow. And then she is going to leave going to North Carolina....I feel like I am losing one of my best friends....which is really weird because we just met. I have admired her work from afar for a while, but never really had the chance to know her. Until now... I know that she is going to be so strong and get thru this. She is a fighter....we wont let her give up. I know that she has a long journey ahead of her, but she has so much to fight for and I know that she will and I know that I will be right here for her the entire way.
Tuesday we go to the VA with Shane. We sit down with the doctor, tell her what has been going on with him. She proceeds to tell us that she wants to run some new tests on him to see how far his TBI has progressed. She says to her, he presents as a much worse Brain Injury than originally diagnosed. So she wants to have some tests done. She sets up the referral. We got the appointment in the mail today..The quickest we have ever heard back from a referral. He has an appointment on December 5 in Tuskeegee.... So now we wait....I think that is the hardest part. I am scared and excited all at the same time if that is even possible. By these tests we will be able to see how much his TBI has progressed in the last 2 years since being diagnosed. I am excited because if they can pinpoint where it is progressing they will better know how to treat it. I am scared to death for him to know how quickly it is progressing because that will kind of give us an estimate of when they think his memory loss will progress. I am scared that he will give up and quit trying...That is a bridge we will cross when and if we have to. I love him and no matter what will stand by his side. It is where I belong!
ON the way home from that appointment, I get a call that my sister is being life flighted to a hospital in Panama City, Fl. They think she has had a stroke. She was unresponsive for a little bit and then had to be sedated to be flown.....She has NEVER liked planes!!! Never had a desire to be in one...she has always been like my momma in that respect...My momma always use to say that if God had wanted her to fly..he would have given her wings....he didnt and she wasnt! I dont think I will ever forget that.... anyway turns out all the testing is normal...they really dont know what happened. Hopefully she will get to come home tomorrow. I know that God said he would never put more on us than we could handle, but my shoulders are awfully heavy....I am exhausted....mentally, physically, emotionally. I feel like I could sleep for months! I am trying to get my family, my home, and my business back in order. I feel like if I can just get it all cleaned back up that I will be able to function again. At least that is what I am hoping! I need to get back in the gym...I just dont have the strength to be there. My body feels disgusting....I just feel heavy! Hoping for a breakthrough in the next week. Something has to give Lord....you add all of that to I feel like we are robbing peter to pay paul and the ends never really meet...I am just tired.... I do feel better now that I have laid all of this out....I am going to go to bed and try to sleep and get up and do some garage selling tomorrow...I need some renewed faith in what I do....and who I am! So it is my book and a new page to be written every day.....Thank you God for all the people and things that I love. I am very blessed and well aware of love being more than wealth..... Can't wait to see what tomorrow holds! Night!

influences....

I am working on this Expose yourself challenge....it is supposed to be a personal growth type thing. After I wrote the post for my photography page I decided that I wanted to repost it here. There are a couple of other things that influence me...music....friendships, life in general inspires me. There are so many things that are seen so differently thru the lens of my camera.I truly love what i do! i love looking at other peoples work be it photography or writing, or art, or music, and wondering what could we do with that....how could i rock something like that. We live in such a world of creativity that it pays to be different....but I am learning to stop and smell the roses, and just be myself! to love me for who I am...and be proud of what I am!





Day 2: I am influenced by......
What am i influenced by.....First and foremost I am always inspired by my husband...An OIF/OEF War veteran who has learned to live with PTSD and TBI on a daily basis. I dont think a lot of people realize just how much it can change every aspect of your life. I am inspired by his integrity, his zest for life, and his unwillingness to give up even though life definitely gave him some lemons. Every day he gets up and faces the world and gives it all he has to give. Even on the days when we know it would just be much easier to stay in bed. I am so proud to be his wife. He never ceases to amaze me! Thank you for teaching me about courage, love and forgiveness. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to follow my dreams and pushing me when I would love to give up....for learning things just to find an easier way to teach me...for being my very best friend and holding my hand in the dark, I love you!


Secondly I am inspired by this awesome photographer who has no idea how much she has taught me. She also had some lemons handed to her and absolutely did not give up. She lost an amazing man to her a little while back and she could have ran and hid from the world. Lord knows that is what I would have done. But she chose to stand up and put one foot in front of the other and take one breathe at a time and follow her dream. A dream that he had believed in her for...enough to buy her very first camera right before he left this earth. Many people would have never picked that camera up again....but she chose to do so much more than just pick it up! She chose to see the world thru her lens, one click at a time. I think sometimes for her clicking is easier than breathing. I wish she could see herself thru my eyes. I am truly inspired by her zest for life and her ability to juggle it all and never give up. She is not only an AMAZING photographer whose work inspires me to keep pushing and learning new things behind my own lense, but she is a wonderful momma to the sweetest little boy. A little boy whom she will never ever let forget his daddy and how much his daddy loved him and how proud of him he was. There is so much more I could say about her but you get the gist.....She pretty much rocks ever single thing she does. I am so thankful to call her my friend. I never would have thought the day I met her at Helen Camp while she was taking pictures of a bride with bright pink tennis shoes that she would truly inspire the person I strive every day to become. Thank you Natalie Watson Norris for being who you are and thank you for allowing me to learn so much more than photography from you!

Enjoy your journey..... 8/13/11-8/14/11

Who would have thunk it... I did a map on mapquest today to get directions to my cousins house for a birthday party and when I went to save it, the back reply was Enjoy your journey.... REALLY! I have been thinking about this a lot lately.

8/14/11: so it continues....
I didnt have a chance to finish this post yesterday, but I have still been thinking about the quote. how do you enjoy your journey....how do you even know what your journey is? I would like to believe that every day is a journey, that I can find amazement in something every day! I have had 35 years of a journey. Not all great, but not all entirely bad either. That journey has gotten me where I am today. Is there some of it I wish were different? ABSOLUTELY! Do I have regrets? Plenty of them. But there is nothing I can do to change what happened in the past the only thing that I can do is move past it all and continue the journey. Pray for a better day today than yesterday and a better tomorrow than today. I hope to live each day to the fullest. I want to accomplish things people said I would never do. I want to be the person that is excited about waking up every morning and making the most of the day because I dont know if there will be a tomorrow. I would like to think that if I were to die today that I would be happy with what I had done and where my life is. I have been truly blessed with an amazing husband, I have the greatest children in my life, and the best friends on the planet, not to mention a wonderful extended family. I have the opportunity to enjoy life every day with every breath I take. So I dont get to the gym as much as I like....is it really as important to me as watching one of the boys play football or do tae kwan do, or watching my husband enjoy working in his garden or T doing his best to make the most of school, or Jackie be proud of herself for passing her final while working full time. Is it as important to me as spending time with my very best friends, and trying to make a difference in the life of the children I love so much. NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT! There is nothing in this world that compares to the way my heart fills with joy when we pick Bray up from daycare and the minute he sees us, his entire face lights up and he comes running!!! My life is so full! At times I feel like I am drowning and there is not enough hours in the day to do everything that needs to be done....but the things that I have learned in the past 7 weeks, is that the todo list isnt going anywhere, it will still be there tomorrow, the laundry can be done late at night after hugs and kisses have been given, and prayers have been said and if I fall asleep on the couch watching a movie with the boys....the laundry can be done tomorrow. It's ok...I wouldnt trade it for the world. This past week I got to spend the week with one of my very best friends and her children that I love as if they were my very own. It felt like home to me. I am so thankful for the week of away from the hustle and bustle of my own life just to relax and breathe, and get back to the root of me. I had a lot of time to think, a lot of time to listen, and a lot of time to wonder. I know there are some things in my life that I want to do differently and it will take some hard work, but I think in the end it will be worth it. I have every intention of taking it slow and easy and making every day count. I am going to figure out how to enjoy this journey I call my life!

On a different note....I am back up to 222.4. Of course I thought after this week of eating pretty much whatever that I would weigh a whole lot more than that.....but I am going to try to get back on track.....One step at a time....I can do this!

2/18/11 A brand new day....

Question of the Week: What weaknesses of the past are you ready to master in the present?

I am ready to learn to walk away when I need to instead of trying to hold on to things that only seem to hurt me.

I am ready to work on taking care of me first and foremost and then my family.

I am ready to quit letting things sway my thoughts of what I know is best for me and my family.

I am sure there are more. But those are the things that I want to concentrate on.....

As for me and my list....I way overslept this morning....I didnt get up until 1230....that seems to be becoming the normal thing for me to do with these headaches.....but I am going to get that remedied. I have lots to do.... I have already started the laundry, worked on some organization and some price points....and now I am blogging....WOW!!! a lot to have accomplished in the less than 2 hours....I am pretty proud of myself. I still have a lot to do but I am making the effort.....I will get it together..... I will make it work...Dont believe me? Hide in the corner and watch. I have the best support team EVER!! So thankful for those people in my life that love me no matter the mistakes.
I posted early early this morning for my challenge for the day....so now off to do my chores.... making the best of things!!!

7/18/11 12:19 am No more excuses......

‎"Only as high as I reach can I grow, only as far as I seek can I go, only as deep as I look can I see, only as much as I dream can I be." ~Karen Ravn

So the last few weeks have been up and down. mostly down...but I am trying to be positive and start only looking forward. I have tried to put off the inevitable, I know that I cant handle these headaches much longer. Staying in bed is not an option, I have businesses to run, a home to keep running, and some amazing children in my life to love. I cant do all of that while I am in bed. I feel like I have been giving up because of the fear of the needle in my back. Everyone keeps telling me that it will hurt a lot less than the everyday hurt. and they are right....but it still sucks!!!!
That 30 minutes that I have to lay there while they are drawing the fluid off of my spinal column is the longest 30 minutes EVER!!! and the most excruciating pain I have ever felt in my life....and believe me these headaches have caused me some pain. Its time to woman up and get it done.....I am missing out on my life....the life I love so much!

So I have gotten out the list tonight....and for the first time in 3 weeks I have made my Monday List..... 4 pages of lists......wow...I really have been slacking....I need to get caught up. I can and I will!!!

Something else I am going to try.... maybe I will blog it since I cant seem to keep these challenges up on facebook....LOL!





60 day challenge, day 1: A pic of yourself with 15 facts (do I really know that many?)
1. I am my own worst enemy
2. When I love I love with my whole heart
3. I love what I do...(Photography) There is something about capturing peoples memories FOREVER!!!
4. I forgive sometimes when I really shouldn't.
5. I trust way to easy which means my heart breaks even harder.
6. My eyes change colors
7. I am married to my very best friend....
8. I love this little town we live in
9. The only thing I have ever really wanted I have given up on getting... (being a mom)
10. I second guess myself way to much!
11. I spend way too much time worrying about what other people are going to think of me.
12. I love to blog....scrapbook....and learn new things!
13. Have a strange obsession with numbers
14. The person I want to meet above all is me. I'd love to finally know who "she" is 15. I am learning to take care of me.


Some of these answers I mirrored from dear friend Tabitha Hughes because they just fit my life..... Thank you Tabi...I love you and I think you are amazing!!!

Tomorrow is a brand new day,.....I cant wait to see what it has in store!!! Nite nite!!!

7/10/11 Mistakes.....

"When you make a mistake, don't look back at it long. Take the reason of the thing into your mind and then look forward. Mistakes are lessons of wisdom. The past cannot be changed. The future is yet in your power."
~Hugh White


Everybody makes mistakes. Don't they? i know I make mistakes..I wouldn't be surprised if I made more than one a day. I think that is why it comes a little easier for me to forgive...because I know that people have forgiven me. At times when most likely that shouldn't have been the case. Then there are those people where if you make a mistake no matter what that is IT there is nothing left. How do people live like that. Some of the best people in my life have hurt me at some point. I think once you work thru the rough spots it makes you and your relationship stronger.But that is just me. I am thankful that I was blessed with a forgiving spirit. I am thankful that I believe in second chances. Some mistake my kindness and forgiveness as stupidity and sometimes they may be right. But I wouldn't change me. I like me for me! The people who are truly important to me love me for me! There are days when it would be much easier to walk away and forget than to forgive. Opening some wounds are hard. But I am thankful that my life is mine and I get to choose what I fight for and who I forgive.
I am in the process of leaving the past behind me and building my present. Noone knows what tomorrow will bring but I would like to think that if I died today that people would remember me for being kind,loving and forgiving. So looking forward those are the 3 things that I will continue to work on.

I didnt weigh in today....tomorrow will hold all those ugly thoughts about what I ate over the weekend. Today is just about catching up.... Drinking lots of water and preparing for the week ahead. I have set a few goals for this week. They are private for now....I will write them down and blog about them as I cross them off. Looking forward to a great week! Loving the life!

7/8/11 New inspirations....

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around."
~Leo F. Buscaglia

I have also learned in the last few days how much someones words can hurt. How things from the past have the potential to hurt the future, and how vindictive people can be. How some people dont care whom they hurt or what lives they destroy in the process of trying to make themselves look better. I have lost a few friends over the last couple of weeks. Today I am ok with that. I am absolutely tired of being ran over, and let down. Both of which are my fault. Things can only happen to me or affect me if I allow them to. I am the only one that can decide what affects me or how I react to it.

Today I am going to choose to react with thoughts of only myself and the people that matter to me. I have decided to make some changes in my life, in my relationship, and in my friendships. I will not back down and allow people to walk all over me, nor will allow them to stage the way I look at myself. I believe in who I am and where I want to be and who I want to be. I believe that I will take this adventure that we call life and do with it what I feel is best for myself and my family. I have felt like a doormat for longer than I care to admit. I have come to the realization that I am the only one who can change that.

How am I going to do that you ask....I am going to take care of the things that are important to me....myself and my family. I dont really have a whole lot of friends....I have extended family. :)

There are some specific things that are important to me.....For ME!
My health....
My weight...
My time management...

for my family....
time spent together apart from working.
communication.

for my business.... these changes have been truly inspired. I have a great set of support friends....Thank you!
There is a lot in this category.... those will be coming down the pipes soon....stay tuned.

Just an update on my journey as a fat girl. I gained 7 lbs week before last. I just pretty much let life take me down and I ate, and ate....and ATE! I have decided that is not an option for me. I went back to the gym the other day and it felt great...the last 2 days I have had a nasty migraine. Yesterday I didnt get out of bed at all unless it was a necessity. Today I am feeling some better...still have a slight headache...which is an indication that it is getting close to time to have my psuedotumor drained. I cant really complain they told me it would have to be done every 18 months and this time so far it has been 30 months. Hoping this bout of headaches is only my sinuses and allergies since it has been coming and going and not constant so far.

This morning I weighed in at 216.8 for that I am thankful. Hope to get back to the gym tomorrow....

Sorry this has been so lengthy, havent blogged in a while....one of those things on the list of things for me to do for me!!!

6/12/11 Choices.....

"If you had a friend who talked to you like you sometimes talk to yourself, would you continue to hang around with that person?"
~Rob Bremer, Speaker
I have thought about this a lot lately. I am harder on myself than most anyone could ever be on me...Why is that? Why do we beat ourselves up most of the time over something that we did the best we could and that is all that can really be asked of us..I always think for some reason that I can do better than I did.
In the back of my mind I know with absolute certainty that I did the best I possibly could have done. So why...why do I do this to myself. I would get downright mad if anyone else talked to me like that, so why do I allow myself to do it? I heard somewhere a while back if you dont value yourself noone else is going to raise their thoughts of you either. This is something that I am learning on a daily basis. I am learning to not be so hard on myself. I am learning that there are things about me that make me who I am. I am beginning to like who I am and what I am doing with my life. I ran across the following quote today...while I was cleaning out my email.

"Between whatever happens to me and my response to it is a space.
In that space is my freedom and power to choose my response. And in response lay my growth and happiness."
~Stephen Covey

I am going to try to make a conscious effort to use that space wisely to choose the response that is and will be best for me and for my family, my business, our life in general. NO one can take that response time away from me and it is within that time that the decisions I make will make me!

6/10/11 Choice versus Chance....

My quote for the day was by William Jennings Brian and he said that "Destiny is no matter of chance. It is a matter of choice: It is not a thing to be waited for but a thing to be achieved.

Wow...I need to start checking my email in the morning and getting these quotes before I have let myself have a not so great day! I always tell people that the day is what you make it. Today I wish I would have really thought about that statement before I allowed my day to be overran with not so great thoughts and actions.Did I accomplish anything today...sure...did I truly use my time in a manner that I could have achieved more...No I let myself get caught up in anger, aggravation and illness. I overslept, AGAIN. Because I can be tired all day long and then when it is time to go to bed....I end up being wide awake until 2, 3 sometimes 4 in the morning....so then I dont get up when I had planned. then I get aggravated because I have already lost the entire morning. I have things set out a certain way and I like to do things a certain way to ensure that I feel I have accomplished something thruout the day. The last few days i have been really not feeling well...so I havent done very much of anything. Pop this with Shane being in some not so great moods this week leaves us with a very aggravated household. Then you pop that with our business and all that needs to be done....It makes for a very long week. But that is ok. Tomorrow is a new day and it is the weekend. I refuse to have a bad weekend. I feel some wind therapy coming on. then a birthday party for my hubby on sunday, a photo shoot on sunday afternoon, and then I will have a better week next week.
I did manage to make a couple of pieces of jewelry today.So I do feel like I have accomplished something. not to mention I dont even think they were up an hour before someone was interested in them Thank you God for seeing our needs and meeting them despite our waywardness this week. I am truly blessed with amazing friends and family. On a happy note....I didnt gain any weight yesterday...I was still at 216.4 today...however, I dont think I am going to weigh in tomorrow....I cheated tonight and peanut butter crackers and syrup......I will weigh on Monday and set the goal for next week. happy weekend everyone......remember Shiny side up this weekend!!!! Loves to all! My CHOICE is to have a good weekend and that I will not leave to chance!

June 9, 2011....Seriously.....No I mean REALLY????

Ok so I guess this is the part where I realize that I have been slacking again... Life always seems to have a way of catching up with me....WTH....Sometimes it seems that I cant win for losing...my headaches are back for the last 4 days now and they have been insane...Today seemed to be a little better but still wasn't any fun. Hopefully I will feel much better by Saturday. We have a jam packed weekend. Thankfully. I seem to have a lot on my plate and people seem to be irritating me for absolutely no reason at all....things I would normally let roll off of my back. On a happy note...I weighed today...216.4 Seriously???? I am finally under 217. Of course it could very well be from lack of hydration and eating over the last few days....but at this point I will take it. Hopefully next week I will get back in the gym, and get back on track! I am ready! I need some changes to be made and I am the only one who can make them...I refuse to give up! I need my routine back...So tonight I am making the to do list for tomorrow and no matter how bad I feel I WILL accomplish something on that list!!! I MEAN IT!

Slacking.....

Yes I said it...I have been seriously slacking....so here we go again with a U TURN....I am going to get this thing....I am going to get to where I want to be....Today I start out at 217 lbs......My weight is not going to define me! Will do my best to start documenting my journey again.......

4/20/11 Who can affect me permanently????

"Other people and things can stop you temporarily. You're the only one who can do it permanently." ~Zig Ziglar~

I found this quote online this morning. It just hit me like it was meant for me. I had a goal this morning. I wanted to be up at 530 and out the door and in the gym by 6am. Well when you wake up at 630 obviously that isnt going to happen. When I got on the scale this morning I weighed in at 217.8, so aggravated but more aggravated at myself than anyone else. another pound and 4 oz. Whose fault is that...MINE! Po Folks didnt force me to eat there last night. Shane didnt force me...as a matter of fact if I remember correctly it was my idea....UM what exactly was I thinking. I was thinking that I could not get the country fried steak and mashed potatoes with both kinds of gravy....I was thinking I would make myself eat healthy. Did that happen....UM NO! Who am I kidding, I do not have the willpower YET, to do those things. I cant blame anyone but myself for those actions. I cant keep putting myself in temptations way until I am strong enough in myself to beat it, and then I cant be mad at anyone else for not getting up this morning. I can only be mad at myself. What is being mad going to do....I can tell you what it will do for me....It will put me in a bad mood for the day. I do NOT want to spend my day being mad. I want to spend my day getting things accomplished. So I didnt go to the gym at 6am. Who cares....I have all day to go that is why we bought a 24 hour gym membership. As long as I go and work myself hard, does it truly matter what time of day I go. I dont think so. I am the only one who can permanently affect me. I intend to do just that....Now off to mommas for her physical therapy and then to the gym....it is going to be a good day....after all it is my life and it is what I make it.......Living the life and loving the living!!!

4/19/11 U-turns...

So today is going to be my uturn day...by that I mean it will be the day that I can look back on and say that I did what I needed to do to get my life back on track. i got up this morning...a little later than i wanted to, weighed (216), got a shower, made the hunny breakfast, went to let the physical therapist in at Mommas, and stayed with her, came back home picked up the guys and headed to the gym. A little over an hour, a little over a mile on the treadmill, 2 miles on the bike, 3 sets of chin ups and dips, grilled chicken salad, and now blogging, then to editing for a little while. Then I have to go take Momma to class so that she can collect the notebooks for her students so that she can give them their grades, and then to Walmart...I HAVE TO GROCERY SHOP...we will not be eating if I dont. I am so far behind, I cant seem to find enough hours in the day. I need to hire an assistant...yeah right.... Like I can afford that. But such is life. I will get caught up soon. I think Shane is going to try to help me. I hope!!! I am super excited to be getting back on track. I only gained 8oz... but that was due to eating BK twice yesterday....even though it was just the sandwich and coke... it wasnt good for me. I have to start thinking a little differently... Start planning a little better when I know that we have things to do and will be out all day..and take healthy stuff with us. anyway...I had an amazing day yesterday. Learned so much! Wiregrass Area Professional Photographers Association membes ROCK!! I am so thankful to be able to be in a place where people care about other people. They care enough to help them learn. I guess I should hush now and get started editing....see ya tomorrow.... I am proud of myself for keeping up with this blog....looking forward to revamping my website and starting another photography blog!!!

4/18/11 Enough.....

I was reminded of the scene from The Mexican {Julia Roberts; Brad Pitt, James Gandolfini} – when Julia looks over to James Gandolfini’s hit man character and asks, “If two people REALLY love each other, but they just can’t seem to get it together…when do you get to that point of enough is enough?”

And Gandolfini looks at Jules and in his rather larger than life Sopranos Perfected accent says, quite simply, “Never.”

So my pebble today is going to be to believing myself. I have had a hard time doing that lately. I know that I should and I know that noone else is really able to do this if I dont do it for myself. So today I am going to start the day believing in me. Believing that I can do this. I can live this life and get what I want and to where I want to be. Over the past few years most other people in my shoes would quite quickly tell you that they had had enough....a few times I would have told you that as well. But my heart always told me differently. I am thankful that I listened to my heart instead of my head. There have been times in my life that I have wondered if that was the right thing to do. I have wondered if that was the SANE thing for me to do...

There are 2 things in my life that I am absolutely certain about....there is no doubt...OK now that I am trying to pick just 2....there are so many more than that....
First and foremost I am completely certain that I have the most amazing husband who is so much more to me than JUST a husband. He shares my dreams and pushes me daily toward them....all the while being the solid rock that holds me together, at the same time he is the soft place to fall if I slip...Amazing doesnt even begin to describe him....
Secondly....Photography is so much more than a job for me...it truly is a passion. It is the one thing that I will never give up on... It is something that I will always strive to be better at. I have always loved taking pictures...but the moment that made that made that reality a dream was in 2003 when one of my best friends visited me in Phenix City, Al with her boys. We took them to the riverwalk and took some pictures (on a film camera) and I couldnt wait to get them developed there was one specific photo that I was absolutely excited about. The older one was climbing on the bridge looking over and he leaned back and held his had out for his little brother to climb up.....it was the pivotal moment that I absolutely knew that photography of some sort would always be a dream for me. A lot of things happened in the new few years after that, My life was completely changed....Divorced, to a bad relationship, to a new relationship to married again. In 2008, My husband bought me a Sony Alpha 350... that man and that camera have since changed my whole outlook on life. That dream has morphed into a reality. Since then he has bought me 2 more cameras. First a Nikon D60 and most recently a D90 for Valentines day. Photography is no longer a dream...IT IS A REALITY! Something I never thought would happen but he did that for me.
Thirdly I have the most amazing family and friends a girl could EVER ask for. I have a set of very close friends that are more like family and then recently have extended that realm to include some fabulous photographers that have taught me soooooooo much in the last few months. More than I ever could have imagined....Do I know ALL there is about PHOTOGRAPHY...ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! I hope I never do. I know more today than I knew last week...Heck I know more about photography today than I did yesterday. I hope it always stays that way. I hope I learn something new every day....something new about Myself, About My love, About my life, and about PHOTOGRAPHY! I honestly dont think Enough will EVER be Enough in these areas of my life. These are the things that I live for...the reasons I get out of bed every day....the very breath of my existence....I wouldnt change them for the world.

I am worth every effort I put into myself. I only get one chance at this life.....I intend to make the most of it. Thank you Shane Allen Oates... for all that you are, for all that you allow me to be....and for loving me regardless.....ENOUGH WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH for me when it comes to you and to us....I Love you BIG! FOREVER!

Speaking of efforts I am putting into myself. I lost 3 more lbs. I am currently at 215.2. I am so excited...I cant even remember when the last time I weighed 215 was. I dont want to be super skinny....I dont want to even be considered skinny...that is nowhere near my goal. I want to be healthy. I want to be able to breathe when I lay down at night.....I want to be able to run from 1 block to the next without falling on my face and dying from exhaustion..... I want to be able to climb mountains and take pictures from the most beautiful views. I want to be able to run after a toddler and get the best pictures...I just want to be healthy....I feel like maybe just maybe I am finally on the track to healthy....A girl can dream right.....I was around 255 when I started this journey last year....A roller coaster ride...my highest was about 280 i think a few years ago....15 more pounds and I will be out of the 200's..... I am so ready!!!! I can do this....I will do this...I am worth it....We are worth it....Life is mine for the living and I want to live every moment of it!!!!
Thank you Casie for reminding me this morning that Enough is never enough....and thank you Shane for continuing to remind me daily that ENOUGH WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH!!!

4/17/11 Determination....

Nobody trips over mountains. It is the small pebble that causes you to stumble. Pass all the pebbles in your path and you will find you have crossed the mountain. ~Author Unknown


Today I will find the determination within myself to get past the pebbles. I am learning to believe in myself. I am learning to do new things and take risks without knowing the outcome. It is very scary for me. I have always wanted to anticipate the outcome and know exactly what was coming my way and how I was going to deal with it. I dont think that is really living....I think its safe just being.....I am tired of being safe. Today I woke up at the exact same time as I did yesterday and I weighed in at the exact same. Its kind of eye opening that I am going to be stuck in my same little box if I dont do something to start tearing down the wall on that box. NOT AN OPTION!!! I am very blessed to be on the adventure of a lifetime....So I cant have kids....a lot of people cant, they learn to move past it....I am sure that is going to be a pebble in my path for quite a while.....but I am determined to get past it. My life truly has been blessed. I have an amazing husband that believes in me like no other. Who picked up my dreams from a broken me and pieced them back together and made them worth fighting for again..And he dreams the same dreams...Not many people can say they do what they love, with who they love and love what they do. I can. He consistently makes things happen for me. If I dont understand something, if he doesn't know the answer he searches until he finds it. When I am ready to give up, he says lets try one more time....I couldn't ask for any better than that. He is my rock, my strength and my hope. He is my fairytale....so I dont have the white picket fence...I have a bigger yard than most, I have a house that we have made a home. I dont have a yard full of children....I do have furry friends that love me unconditionally and are quite happy to see me. But most of all I have the unconditional love of a family, that have become more like a family to me than my own sometimes. They welcomed me with open arms, never judging. I have recently been reacquainted with members of my own family that are truly amazing and I hate that I have wasted so much time not knowing them better. Who am I to be looking at the things that I dont have and dwell on them. I should be looking at the things I do have and being thankful. Today I look forward, only glancing over my shoulder to remember why I am looking forward. No one ever said the journey would be easy....they only said that it would be worth it. Today I will take the risks...today I will love like there is no tomorrow....today I will make things happen....Today I will love me! Because I am worth it....and my family is worth it.

The journey is on track....It is my life, and it is what I make it...

Life is like a book, and I intend to fill every page with this journey. Destination unknown......

4/16/11 Miracles.....

Today I saw the sweetest little miracles....
20 little fingers...20 little toes...
The smallest little ones I have ever held.
How can you not believe in miracles when you hold 3lbs 12 oz of a little life in your hand?
I go back and forth with this demon of wanting to be a mother...I tell myself that I am over it...and I will be ok if it never happens. 15 years and 9 miscarriages later you would think I would totally give up the idea. But somehow when I see these precious little lives its hard to know that that will never be me. To know that I will never get the gift of giving someone life. To know that I will never hear a childs voice call me mommy. I watched today with huge admiration as my friends 3 year old came in to see her new little sisters and her face light up as she sat on the bed beside her momma...I literally almost busted out in tears because that is tenderness and love I will never know. Yes I have known the love of children when it was convenient for someone else to want me to spend time with them, but at the end of the day they will always have a mother and at the end of every day that mother will not be me. All I have ever wanted, something I will never have. How do you let go of something that has driven you for so many years? How do you let go of that hope and realize that it was never meant to be you? So many attempts at different aspects of trying to have a baby or adopt...nothing... So how do I walk away from that? How do I let go? Yesterday marked the 8th anniversary of one of the most devastating days in my life. I lost my own smallest miracles... I was so sure that was going to be the one to take. that was going to be the pregnancy that I was able to hang on to...it just seemed so right. It was supposed to be me with those 20 tiny toes and 20 little fingers and those sweet little smiles. One day we had heartbeats and the next day they were gone. I felt like the life had been sucked out of me. It was the longest I ever carried. The most attached I had ever felt. I knew that I was going to finally be a mommy. I should have known better. I wish it was easy just to walk away from the dream. I wish I could wake up one day and the desire would be gone. I dont know if I will ever understand why it couldn't be me...what I did that was so wrong. I know people that should never ever have been given such a blessing...but they were and those children have been so hurt, and thrown away. I want to go up to some people and literally point them out to God and ask why.... and then I want to choke the life out of them because they dont deserve what they have been given. I just dont understand. Maybe I never will....
I wish I could be happy with just being an Auntie....
I just wish I could let it all go.

The whole little girl dream.....the same every little girl dreams....
The little white house....
The white picket fence....
The Amazing Husband...(this one I have)
The yard full of kids....

Some people dont get the fairytale....not even when it is all they have ever wanted.... I just wish it hadn't been my dream....I wish it didn't mean so much to me....

One foot in front of the other....keep going.....
just breathe.....breathe...breathe...

Never be afraid to try, remember Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic. Author Unknown.....

Today I will not be afraid to try something new. I dont know what it will be yet but it will be something and I will not be afraid. I will set my sight and follow thru. I am so excited that I got up this morning and the number on the scale has decreased by 1 lb 8 oz. Not much but I will take it! Not to bad for not really having the chance to exercise. Today I will try to throw in some exercise. I have a million things to do today...but that is ok...what I dont finish today will still be there for next week. I am looking forward to this weekend. I have a family reunion for the first time ever. I will be seeing cousins that I have not seen in years. It is sad that it took another death in the family for us to do this....but at least we are doing it. I will be thinking about Rhonda a lot tomorrow, this is so something that she would have loved and been right in the middle of. I really wish things had been different between she and I over these last few years. But they weren't. I have to move past this and keep my journey going. I want to make the most of this journey, live each day like it could be my last and have no regrets. If I were to die tomorrow I want people to happily remember me, not hate that they have known me. I think this next week I will start a bucket list. Do I plan on dying anytime soon...absolutely not but we are never promised tomorrow. So I will make the most of today! I will love all that life has to offer me and be thankful that I have been blessed with what truly matters, life, love, family, and friendship! I read yesterday where a lady was living paycheck to paycheck on $174,000 a year. Really....we live paycheck to paycheck on A LOT LESS than that....maybe an 8th of that....really...Selfish much. We are always scraping to make ends meet. But we make the best of what we have and for that I am very thankful.... This blog has been kind of all over the place....but that is ok...its mine... :) and I am kinda all over the place!! ;) I am learning to truly love me for me. and I am ok with that! I know that must sound corny but it is true....I hope you all have a wonderful day...and the thought you should be thinking today I have adopted from Brooke Noel is that :Something great is going to happen to me today and I cant wait to see what it is.: I am super excited to find happiness in the little things in life...like finishing a photo session, booking another photo session... my big puppy curling up and laying her head on my feet, the unconditional love of family, the amazingness of friendship...true friendship....the absolute thrill of learning something new in photography. But you know what makes my day...is my husband sneaking up behind me and wrapping his arms around me and snuggling in close and kissing my neck and him telling me that he loves me and he is so glad he is here with me....the little things are all that matters..... Its the little things in life that bring me the most happiness!!! Hopefully I will be back later today to tell you what was new that I tried today.....

4-7-11 Thoughts......

"A man becomes what he thinks about all day long."
~Ralph Waldo Emerson


My thoughts represent where I want to go in life and how I want to feel...and where I want to be and how I want to feel today. My goal for this week is to start changing the way I think and feel about different aspects of my life....I have always said that my life is what I make of it...I have always been a firm believer in that statement...I am going to try to start my day out with positive thoughts and hopefully continue to keep positive thoughts all day long. I know that this is going to be much easier said than done....but I have faith in me. After all I believe I can fly.... I know that I am going to make the most of my journey...I am going to do more than just fly...I am going to soar. I am going to hold my head high! I know what I want and I know that there are going to be mountains and instead of asking for them to be moved, I am going to ask for the strength to climb them. We dont ever get anywhere if everything is handed to us on a silver platter or if we are always given a way out. I want to earn what I want and where I want to be by HARD work and persistence. If I dont have to work for it, I will not value it and will be tempted to let it fall apart and just give up! But if I work for it, I will hold it close to my heart and put my soul into it. That is what I have every intention of doing....from my personal relationship, to my business, to my goal of where I want to be! So starting tomorrow when I wake up I am going to try to have positive thoughts....

Weightloss Journey update.....
Back and Forth, Forth and Back!!! 222.....219....221.....222.....its like a freaking roller coaster...of course the last few days have been that way...This morning I was back down to 220.6 Hopefully that number will go down tomorrow. I am sick of not being motivated! I have to start somewhere and today I choose to start climbing the mountain. The mountain of getting healthy and taking my life BACK!! After all it is my life and it is what I make of my journey!

I have been blessed from the word go with great friends....who encourage me and lift me up!! Thank you, you know who you are and how much I adore you!!! I dont know what I would do without you!!!

4/5/11 Character

Reputation is what men and women think of us. Character is what God and angels know of us ~ Thomas Paine

Saw this quote on twitter tonight. It is a quote that I have heard more than once in my life but I am coming to think of it more often. I wonder why I think so much of what other people think of me. Why does it truly matter to me? Does it affect what I think of myself? No...Does it affect what my family thinks of me? No....So why should I even worry about it. I worry about it because I have always been taught that perception is the key to everything. I worry about it because I feel like negativity towards my business will hurt my business. I shouldn't worry about it because I know myself. I know the negativity is not who I am or who I ever will be. I am proud of who I am and how far I have come. I am proud of where I intend to go. I will not let anyone take that away from me. So there are mountains put in front of me for me to climb....I will not ask for them to be moved, only for the strength to climb them. There will be valleys I am sure....again I will only ask for determination to withstand. Only I can let myself down. I will not allow others to do that for me. Opinions are yours to have. I will not let them tear me down. We have been doing some stuff locally to build up our business, only to be told that our work isn't good enough. That is your opinion. I have seen your work, although I dont agree with your opinion of mine I am sure you wouldn't agree with my opinion on yours. We work very hard on the images that we put out there for our clients and as long as they are happy with them that is what matters. keep trying to tear us down... I feel that in the long run you will only hurt yourself. God dont like ugly. I would appreciate it if in the future if you have issues with me or my work then you bring it to me. You do not discuss it with our clients. Karma is a much bigger biotch than I will ever choose to be.


On another note....I have spent the last few days taking care of my mother in law. I truly wouldnt trade her for the world. but that is another blog entirely. As for my weight loss journey, I am kinda stuck....we have been so busy that we havent slowed down to eat right or exercise. so as of today I am still 219. but I am ok with that. I know that it wont be forever and we will be back on track. Life has just gotten in the way currently. But I wouldnt have it any other way. I am thankful that I have been so incredibly blessed with a family that has taken me in as if I am their own. and I love them so much! After all it is my life and what I make it and right now I am making it about family!! See you soon on this journey again...hopefully this week sometime!!

3/31/11 Faith....

"Faith dares the soul to go farther than it can see." ~William Clark

This is the quote in my email this morning. I am a true believer in this. I never have any idea where I am going but somehow always end up exactly where I need to be. Most of the time not realizing until I am there exactly the process of how I got there. One of my goals for this year has been stepping back and looking at my life and making the changes that I have wanted to change for a long time. My attitude and outlook on life, my weight, the growth of our business, among other small things... ONe of the biggest things that I have to let go is the inability to have a child. I have thought several times that I am ok with it, that I love my life the way it is. But then I will see someone else pregnant or with a newborn baby and my heart aches all over again. This is a battle I have fought for many years. When you asked me what I wanted to be when I was little the only thing I ever remember really wanting was to be a mommy. Now dont get me wrong. I have always had children in my life that I loved as my own and dont think I could love any more if they were mine...but at the end of every day it is someone else that they call Mommy. I throughout my life have been able to help several children along the way and if I had had my own that most likely wouldn't have been an option. I am grateful for that but those children always end up going home and I am left sitting alone. Well not alone...but you know what I mean. I dont know why this is such an issue for me today more so than any other day....but it is weighing heavy on my heart today.

Onto other things. I am going to head back to the gym today....and hope that I can keep it up. I am down to 218lbs....now if I can just keep doing down instead of fluctuating from here to 222. If I can quit wanting breads, and pastas, and all things bad for me, I would be ok. But those are the things that I want sooooo bad. those are the things that I crave. Today is the day that I feel like just giving up....So today is the day that I will push myself ALOT to do just the opposite and work harder to reach my goal.... I am not sure how I am going to accomplish this but dangit I am!!! I can do this....I have to do this...there is no other option. I want to be healthy.. I am sick of feeling like the good year blimp...I am sick of not being able to breathe when I lay down at night....or when I walk from the grocery store to the truck....I am going to change this. Only I can do this....After all it is my life and it is what I make it!!! To the gym I go!!!!!

3/28/11 Happiness

"Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have." ~Anonymous

I think this a lesson that we can all learn from, or at the very least think about. I know that it has rang true in my personal life and my business life. I have always been told to thank God for what I have and to trust him for what I need. I believe that. I think that if I am not thankful for what I have already been given then how can I expect to keep getting. Sounds kind of selfish if you ask me. I have been selfish in my life. Quite honestly more times than I care to admit. I have learned some hard lessons in the past few months. I have learned that things aren't always what they are cracked up to be. I have learned the very hard way that we are never EVER promised tomorrow and that we should make the most of every second that we are given because once it is gone you can never get it back. I dont want to live a life of things I regret never doing. I want to do things I never thought possible. I know that I will have to appreciate what I have to be happy. It has been a rough week for us. But I learned from it. For that I am thankful. I am learning new lessons every day of my life. I have adopted Brook Noel's thought process by saying to myself every morning that "Something great is going to happen to me today and I can't wait to see what it is." Even if it is a small accomplishment. It is an ACCOMPLISHMENT! I had someone tell me today that they were proud of me....I dont think he realized how much that meant to me. He told me that I had my head screwed on straight and working things out in my life. I am trying so hard to make things work....it is a daily decision to make things work. It is a conscious effort for both of us. I dont think this person knew how much it meant to me for his comment. Because it is someone whom I value what their thoughts are of me. Someone that I dont get to talk to very often. But someone from the outside looking in that sees the effort that I have put into what we do. It just made the effort appreciated. I truly look forward to where we are going. Yes I know that it may be a long road ahead....but it will be worth it. I am thankful for the journey. As for my weight loss journey....Ugggh... I am back and forth...but at least it is so far staying under 220. My new goal is 210....I figure if I make small goals that they are attainable and makes me feel like I am accomplishing something. For that I am grateful! So onward with this journey that I call my life. I do appreciate what I have and I do feel like I am truly happy with my life. No every day is not easy....but noone ever said that it would be.....they just said that the ride would be worth it and that I do believe with every ounce of my being..... Loving the life that is loving me back!

3/25/11 another day...

So this was my list for yesterday...

Go to the gym!!!
Work on the laundry!
straighten the workroom!
Get disks made for previous edits
Finish the edits for...
Wheeler Family
Hughes/Davis engagement
Morgan Maternity


I did go to the gym...although I hurt my wrist warming up with Shane and a 6lb weight ball.....Shane and T went and ran the errands so technically I can say those are off of my list. I did work on the Morgan Maternity session.... I am about halfway thru it. I am not having a great day today....I cant tell you why because that would require that I be able to figure it out....I am going to sneak away for a bit, go visit a friend, and clear my head!!! then I am going to come back and get some work done before I go with the hubby this afternoon to judge a photography show for the children in a photography group on post. I am a LOT excited to see what they came up with....Things to do today....the difference between try and triumph, is the umph so today I am going to work on getting the Umph!!! On a happy note...I have lost 2 more lbs......I am down to 219.4 (Again) next goal is 215. Working on me....after all it is my life and my life is what I make it!!!!

3/24/11 new day....

"The difference between great people and everyone else is that great people create their lives actively, while everyone else is created by their lives, passively waiting to see where life takes them next. The difference between the two is the difference between living fully and just existing."
~Michael E. Gerber

So today is a new day and it is up to me how I am going to spend that day. I woke up a little later than I wanted.....but I still have the whole rest of the day to do with what I want. So what do I want to do with it you ask....I am going to make some goals to accomplish today. The list is as follows.

Go to the gym!!!
Work on the laundry!
straighten the workroom!
Get disks made for previous edits
Finish the edits for...
Wheeler Family
Hughes/Davis engagement
Morgan Maternity

get some errands run.
Meet Nat for an auction tonight...

Can I accomplish all of this.....is it doable....yes....
Will I do it...that is the question of the day. Well the morning is starting off with good intentions. so we will see how far those good intentions and hard work take me today....Headed to the gym now.......hope everyone has a wonderful day!

3/23/11 on with the journey....

So.....my journey seems like a roller coaster...but I am learning... OH AM I LEARNING!! I learned a hard lesson the other day...I lost 9 lbs last week doing the cabbage soup diet. So then on Monday, I thought it would be ok to have Chinese food for lunch....because I was going to hit the gym and I wasn't going to eat terribly bad. So I had a small portion of rice, sesame chicken, general tso's chicken and crab rangoon(which by the way is my FAVORITE). Yeah not so much anymore...it truly didnt even taste good. Anyway we had a lot to do on Monday so my thought process was grab some workout clothes and head to the gym after the WAPPA meeting Monday night. I grabbed the clothes and took them with us and we had to run to Sam's to pick up dog food. so we stopped at Chick Fila..going to grab some quick carbs to fuel the workout...yeah NOOOOOOOOO! It sat so heavy in both of us that it was unbelievable. Needless to say we never made it to the gym. The next morning I dreadfully stepped on the scale....I wish I hadnt...I gained 2 lbs....REALLY REALLY!!! What the crap....I know I know...it was my own fault...I ate things I shouldnt have ate..So yesterday cabbage soup it was....I did really good...ALL DAY!! until about 945 last night...I had this urge for chocolate.....so I gave in and went to Walmart and bought a candy bar... I paid dearly for it. it was so sweet.....yes I know that is what it is supposed to be...but this was like outta this world sweet. This morning i dreaded the scale....but the good note is I didnt gain any weight....the bad note is I didnt lose any either. This journey is going to be the hardest thing for me....I love love love to eat....I mean really love to eat...why cant the stuff that is good for you taste like the stuff you love that is bad for you...I know I am on a ranting spree....but I would really love to be one of those people that can eat and eat and eat and never gain a pound......happily...I know some people have just as much trouble gaining weight as I have losing it....but I wish we lived in a perfect world. Of course my perfect world would consist of a healthy me and a healthy Shane and lots of healthy children that belonged to us.....but we all know the world is not perfect....but hey a girl can dream right......

Ok done with the rant....onto other things in my life. I am super excited about where things are going with our photography business. Shane and I attended a class since we needed to be home this weekend. It was a blessing in disguise. I learned soooooooo much! I am truly looking forward to the changes that I am working on within myself and our business.I cant wait to see what happens.... After all it is my life and it is what I make it! Setting goals and making things happen!

3/15/11 new outlook on life....

Be a best friend, tell the truth, and overuse I Love You
Go to work, do your best, don't outsmart your common since
Never let your prayin knees get lazy
And love like crazy... Lee Brice

The past couple of months have been in a word CRAZY! An emotional roller coaster ride to say the least. It seems like one thing will finally start getting a little better to handle and then my family has been knocked off its rocker again. Several times I have said as well as other people in my family that we just aren't sure how much I(we) can take. I have found myself fighting to get out of bed. I know that I have to keep going. I WILL NOT GIVE UP! I have gained 13 lbs in the last 2 months. I seem to just want to eat and not do anything. The only things that really make me forget everything that is wrong in our life is eating and pictures. I love taking pictures....I am having a little bit of trouble sitting down to edit those pictures because I can't seem to stop myself from thinking when I am sitting still. I have to pull myself out of this rut. I am not doing anyone any good in my current state of mind. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out. Yesterday I met a friend for lunch. It was the first time we have seen each other in YEARS!! We were talking about where our lives have been and where they are going...I was truly amazed with my thought process. I have so much to be thankful for. I am the wife of an amazing veteran. Who fought for our country. Who has lost so much more than I will ever be able to imagine. Who has sacrificed more than most will ever fathom. Every day is a battle for a lot of soldiers. There are so many people who would love to be in my shoes right now and have the things that I do to be thankful for. I have 2 kids in my home that I love as if they were my own. I have several children in my life that I love as if they were my own. I have a family that if anything is dysfunctional...however they are mine and I love them! I have a zoo that I absolutely love. (needs to be downsized, but loved nonetheless). I have a core group of friends that are absolutely amazing....I have a business that is finally picking up and I know that I have to work at it to get it where I want it. So I am going to start setting goals that I can attain and work toward them once I attain those I will set more and work toward those. We are never promised tomorrow, So I need to make the most of today. EVERY DAY! I will be setting goals today....we will see what happens. After all it is my life and I am the only one who can make a difference in it. I am once again determined to do just that....make a difference!ILYSPT!

3/9/11 I WONT Let GO....

Today was a really hard day for me. I have loved my brothers for as long as I can remember and they have always been right up there with my daddy as my heroes.....they could do no wrong in my eyes...I thought they were invincible...I haven't been in close contact with them in the last few years because of some personal reasons that I will not put out there for the world to see. However a few weeks back for saddening reasons they are a part of my life again. As most of you know I was adopted by my grandparents on March 22, before I turned 2 on May 28. in the last few weeks before my biological mom's death she had been really sick. She was diagnosed with brain cancer which had originated as lung cancer and spread to her brain. I spent some time with her at the hospital prior to her car accident that claimed her life on Feb 2 of this year. While she was in the hospital one of my brothers was rushed in as well to the same hospital. I stayed at the hospital that night and realized just how much both of my brothers meant to me. AND just how much I missed them and couldn't imagine my life without either of them in it any longer. I was so scared to make the effort to walk back in again. I don't think I could have stood it if either of them wouldn't want me in their life. But I promised myself that I would make the effort and I would know that I had done every single thing I could do to make things right with both of them. I would make sure they both new exactly how much I loved them and what they meant to me. I have seen them both a few times since or talked on the phone with them. I don't know if I will EVER be able to tell them what they mean to me. All I can do is pray that they know they are my world. 4 months ago my older brother, the brother that held my hand and walked me down the aisle for my first marriage and told me he was proud of me, the one that when my dad died called me every day for weeks to see if I was ok, the one when I had a devastating period of my life was the one who would call every day just to check on me, was diagnosed with cancer in his neck and is having aggressive chemotherapy and radiation treatments. He has the rest of this week left and next week and hopefully he will be done. I went today and spent some time with him. It truly broke my heart to see him so sick. This man I love so very much is fighting the battle of his life and all I can do is watch. I can hold his hand and give him hugs, and tell him that I love him. But I cant take the pain away that this vicious beast is doing to him. I know that he was putting on a brave face for me today....but it is very hard to hide that kind of excruciating pain. He cant eat because his mouth and throat are so sore they feel like they are on fire. What I wouldn't give for it to be the other way around. I wish I could take it all away for him. I wish I knew how to tell him how much I love him and how much of a HERO he is in my eyes. Rascal Flatts has a new song out called I wont let go...and that is exactly how I feel about my brothers. I will stand by you, I will help you through, when you have done all you can do and you cant cope, I will dry your eyes, I will fight your fight, I will hold you tight and I WONT LET YOU FALL!!!! I WONT LET GO!!! I WONT LET YOU DOWN! YOUR GONNA MAKE IT...I KNOW YOU CAN! I cant let you go! I am so thankful that I got to spend some time with him today. Just for him to know that I was there. and I will be there tomorrow. and every day that I can possibly be there. I love you~

3/7/11 The choices I make....make me!

There is a choice you have to make in everything you do. So, keep in mind that in the end, the choice you make, makes you. ~ j.Maxwell

I was reminded of this tonight....I make choices every day of my life...some are good, some are not so good....lately I seem to be making the not so good ones. I cant seem to stay focused to save my life...I am irritated,aggravated, and completely unmotivated. I have gained 6 lbs in the last 5 weeks and even though that truly makes me sad I still just want to keep eating. I have no desire to go to the gym. I am thankful that my hubby is pushing because if he weren't I don't think I would go at all! I finally have picked up my camera again...which is really sad because Shane bought me a new one for Valentines day...I didn't even take it out of the box for a little over a week. I had no desire to do anything! Today I finally knocked out the wedding I was working on when the accident happened. tomorrow I hope to finish up the family session and the engagement session that I have been sitting on... Saturday night I had the pleasure of having dinner with Natalie Watson Norris....she is my favorite photog ever!!! I love the life in her. She truly is an inspiration to me. She invited me to hang out with her for her Easter minis with live baby chicks and I could practice with my new camera...I must thank her tremendously....I had a blast! It felt so good to laugh and see life from someone elses perspective and just to step away from all the heartache that has consumed my life over the past couple of months. I feel like maybe just maybe...I can take my life back. The choices I have made to let grief and anger consume me are making me. I am the only one who can stop these responses in my life. I just have to do it. I have turned around so many times I feel like I am on a merry go round. I am tired of it! I want my life back... I want to smile again, I want to laugh, I want to be excited about my family and my business and be eager to make life work again. I want to have the eagerness to fight the VA for what my husband deserves. I want to have the competitiveness to take my own life back and become the person I want to be. I want to make choices and not mind that they are what makes me because they are good choices. So one breath at a time. I am getting off of the merry go round and I am going to stand on these somewhat unsteady feet of mine and be proud of who and what I am. My choices will make me....and I will be proud of them...After all it is my life and this is my journey....I will lose this weight. Goal for tomorrow....GYM!!!! Family session done and out the door....and to find one thing about me that I love! and one thing I will work on......small steps!

2/21/11 The start of a new chapter......

"Do what you can, with what you have, where you are." ~Theodore Roosevelt

I love this quote and that is exactly what I plan to do. I have spent the last almost 3 weeks now...moping around not really accomplishing anything. I have gained 4 lbs...and I am soooooooooooooo not happy about that. But I am the only one who can do anything about it. So that is exactly what I am going to do!!! I am going to do something about it! I made my to do list out for the week tonight. I have spent the day trying to catch up on the mountain of laundry that has accumulated while i have let life slip thru my fingers....still have 4 loads to do....but I did manage to put a good meal on the table and make my bed and straighten up my dresser today. I have pretty much just adopted the TO DO list from 3 weeks ago that I wrote in my last blog. These last 3 weeks have been an emotional roller coaster ride for me...As I was hitting send on my last blog almost 3 weeks ago, my cell phone rang. It was my sister telling me that my biological mom and her husband had been killed in a car accident. My entire world turned upside down. If any of you had been reading my blog up until that point....you would understand that she and I were not on the best terms by any means. I had tried to make ammends with her again and felt as if she were pushing me away. She was dying of cancer and I knew this was my last opportunity so I tried, she pushed, I walked. Well getting that called made it FINAL! There would never be another chance for me to try and there would never be another chance for her to give me the answers that I soooo desperately felt I had needed for all these years. I went from being sad to being angry to being hurt to being mad and so the roller coaster began. I have felt like a ticking time bomb, trying to convince everyone that I was ok. Shane kept telling me it was time to let it go...that I had to move on with my own life and do what was best for me....and although I knew he was right...it still didnt make it any easier....It took Tara telling me the exact same thing that my husband had been telling me for days for it to really sink in. I have thought and thought about what they said and how to make myself understand and to be able to let go. I know that everything happens for a reason and I may not know why or how but I know that it does. I have decided to take my life back and live as if there will be no tomorrow. While building a future. I know that sounds crazy but it is how I feel. I am completely coming to terms with not having my own children. My house and my heart are full of life. My nephew is joining our household next week for the rest of his junior year and senior year of high school. So even though I didnt give birth to either of the people that fill my heart as my own, and I would NEVER try to replace their own mothers (because they both have wonderful mothers) I feel like my life and my family are complete. I have truly been blessed to be able to build a new relationship with my family and for that I am so very thankful. I have missed them so much! I knew that I did....but so didnt realize just how much until being with them again thru all the funeral stuff. I feel like I have a firm foundation on which to stand again. I may not have the best of everything but I am going to do the best I can with what I have. and be thankful for every blessing that I am given, no matter how small or where it came from. If I have learned one thing at all from the past 3 weeks I think this is what I will always remember.... Cherish those you have in your life still, because you never know when they won't be there anymore. It is my life and I am going to make every moment count....

2/2/11 No Worries.....

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.
~Charles Schultz

I love this quote I got in my email this morning....I wish it were that easy to not worry. NOT IN MY LIFE! I am so sick of worrying....I am looking for a shut off valve. Cant I just turn it off like I would turn off a water faucet. I am tired of it. So I haven't met any of my goals so far today that I set yesterday....and it is now 3pm..... of course it didn't help that I couldn't sleep last night and that I didn't even fall asleep until 3 am...after taking NyQuil hoping not to catch Shane's cold. So in turn I slept until NOON....Well that just throws my WHOLE DAY off....so I feel like I have accomplished nothing...although I fixed lunch, started the mountains of laundry and returned emails.....I still have a mile long to do list. I am going to knock most of it out today...even if it kills me....
New goals for today....
Finish the laundry...this means completely...folding, hanging, putting away..the whole nine yards...not just sitting in the basket like last weeks laundry.
Cleaning the studio....I desperately need to organize that room....
Cleaning my bedroom....which means putting the rest of the laundry away from last week....
Vacuuming every room....
Cleaning the dining room...putting away and organizing the scrapbook closet.....(MAYBE)
Organizing my desk.....
Making a list of things I need to accomplish for the photography business....
making a list of things I need to accomplish for the collectibles business....
and taking some time for me to exercise and work on my change my life challenge.....

Can it all be done....we will see.....

Weight for today was 220.8 ( the .8 is probably from eating at 11 pm last night becasue I skipped dinner.....yeah not a good thing for my weightloss journey.....)
Blood Sugar this morning was 167. A little high...but not as high as it has been.....I have got to get with the program and get that under control....
WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have got to get myself under control......
I REFUSE TO DROWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is my life after all and I am thankful for it!

2/1/11

One of the most helpful images to have of yourself in your family is that of a trim tab - the small rudder that moves the big rudder and eventually changes the entire direction of the plan.
~Stephen R. Covey


Lord, Please let me see myself as this part of the rudder....because right now I feel as if I am the part that takes it down. I cant seem to keep myself motivated for nothing.....I feel as if I am drowning...Who knows...maybe I am. I am just tired...as a matter of fact...I am EXHAUSTED...it seems like every time I turn around there is something else going wrong or someone else that needs something done...I love my family and I am so thankful for the closeness that I have with them...I don't know what I would do without them. I need to make some changes within me...so that I am a better member of this family..I need to work on me...I need to be happy with me...and with the person that I am...but I am so far from being happy....I feel like I am the good year blimp...but lately the only thing that is really comforting to me is food. I want so badly to change the things in my life that matter the most to me...but cant seem to find the courage to follow thru. I am tired I am going to bed....maybe tomorrow will be better.....although today was fun....other than shane beign sick...we took Jaq out for her birthday...we went to lunch at Olive Garden and then went to Michaels.....I am rambling now...I really have nothing left to say....

I weighed 220 this morning....I am sure with the way I ate today I will weigh 225 tomorrow...
No exercise today...unless you are counting me lifing my fork to my face.....
I am so disgusted with me....

Goals for tomorrow.....
get some work done.....
exercise, eat right....take care of me....

we will see.....ILYSP!

1/31/11 A new day!

It does not matter how slowly you go
as long as you do not stop.
~Confucius

Well today is a new day after a long weekend. We did a wedding on Saturday, and went to the bridal extravaganza yesterday. It has just been crazy busy and I am exhausted. however this week is looking pretty busy to...I am not in any way complaining.I am thankful. However I am also going to make a true effort to get my life back on track. I am going to get back to a workout routine and eating a little healthier...there are some new recipes that I want to try. I am finding it very difficult to get back on track once I have gotten off....but I am determined to try....I can start as many times as I need to but I will never give up! So here we go,.....trudging along!!!!

Today's weight.....221
Today's goal.....be thankful for what I have....gym(or at least workout), stay within my calories and carbohydrate count.
get some work done....and pay bills...

1/2711 My Choices.....

"At the end of the day you either focus on what's tearing you apart or you focus on what's holding you together. The choice is yours to make.....

I think this is going to be my everyday new motto....For so long I have focused on what was tearing me apart. The choices that I had made....for seemingly all the wrong reasons. Today started out to be one of those days where I was focusing on what was tearing me apart...I woke up to the phone ringing so I answered it, it was her....where is my medicine, I am going home today...I need it...I need it now...You have to come right now! No good morning, no how is your day, no how did you sleep...it was instantaneous griping from the minute I said hello. Well good morning to you too, I wanted to scream...but I didn't. I said ok...I will be there as soon as I can. I have to get some stuff together for an appointment that I have this afternoon but I will be there. Well you have to come here first. you have to come here NOW...they will be here to get me and I cant be without those medicines. Your life REALLY DOES revolve around this bag of pills I have doesn't it...I sooo wanted to yell at her....but I didn't. I simply, calmly said...I'll be there and hung up the phone. From then to the time I got dressed, got my stuff together and walked out the door...3 more calls...just like the first. I keep repeating to myself...this is it...the last time you have to walk thru this fire. One foot in front of the other and just BREATHE!!! BREATHE!!! I can do this....and I did!!! The whole time I was in her room she was fussing at the nurse because the doctor didn't write her some kind of prescription that he had promised. I gave her a hug, told her I loved her and walked out of the room. I truly do love her. For without her I wouldn't be here....but the greatest decision she ever made for me was to give me away...she gave me away to the 2 people who loved and cherished me as their own. For that I will forever be grateful to her. As I was walking down the hallway of the hospital I felt a little guilty...I felt like I was walking out on her....but I am not...she chose this path and she walked out on me....32 years ago. I gave you away because I didnt love you....I never have and I never will.....is ringing thru my head the whole time....once again I am that 8 year old little girl. I pick my head up, reassure myself again that I am making the best decisions I can make for me. I am so thankful that Jackie went with me...I think if it had not been for her I would have fallen to pieces....but she is my rock....she is one amazing young lady....she never ceases to amaze me... She always knows just the right things to say when I need them said....or just the right time to hug me and tell me she loves me....or just to crack me up. That child will forever hold a huge piece of my heart. I am so thankful that I get to play a part in her life. I truly believe she is an angel. We leave there and go eat lunch at McDonald's....definitely not good for my weight loss journey....but soooo good for my soul. Then we go to Jessica's to layout all the details for the wedding on Saturday....and I got soooo sidetracked by the sweetest little soul...who has fought so hard to be here.....Holding her in my arms, laying her on my chest...kissing her little head, feeding her, taking pictures of her....knowing some of her journey...My problems don't seem near as big. She soothed my soul.....I don't think I will ever understand just how it is when you hold a tiny little life in your hands how everything else seems to disappear. This is a part of my family that I have never really known and a part that I look forward in getting to know. I am so excited to capture the fairytale on camera as Jessica marries her very best friend! I love my job. It doesn't seem like a job....it is a passion for me! I am so thankful for the chance to pursue it....I am so thankful for that precious baby girl today who truly captured a part of my heart. I am also thankful that 19 year old that captures my heart day after day...I love her randomness, her quirkiness, I love her for who she is....and what she is to me. I am thankful for a man that stands beside me and supports my decisions be what they may...even when he doesn't exactly agree with them....he is still there to hold my hand when I stumble. and pick me up when I fall. I have the most amazing friends, and as my friend pointed out to me in the comment on my last blog....family isn't just made by DNA....it is made by love, strength, and courage....and I am truly blessed with all of that...I couldn't ask for anything more...

PS...taking a picture of the sunset with a bigger camera while driving down the road and allowing someone else to hold the wheel because the sunset is on the driver's side....= not exactly the best thing to do but lots of laughter....well that and talking about the weird dreams you have been having....huh jaq?

So at the end of the day...I choose to focus on what is holding me together....and build upon those rocks!!!!! For today I am blessed!

1/26/11 The decision to live my life.....

As I sit here, I am aggravated, frustrated and so many other things I dont even know where to begin. I have been back and forth about my decision to walk away or stay. This has not been an easy week for me by any means. It has probably been on the list with the 10 hardest places I have ever been in my life. I have felt guilty, I have felt betrayed. I have been angry, I have been sad, and those million other feelings I can't describe. I have not been able to sleep, or eat right....I will be nauseaus and then starving....I have lost 9 lbs gained 2, lost 3 again...I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster ride and I cant get the conductor to turn the thing off. On top of all this I am 3 weeks late. 9 miscarriages later....I dont know how I have felt about that. I have taken 3 pregnancy tests...ALL NEGATIVE!!!! But still nothing. There is always that little glimmer of hope that maybe this will be the time....and then A HUGE let down when it is negative. I had made myself believe that I was ok with never having a baby...like I said before 9 miscarriages...and then you add 3 adoptions falling thru at the last minute....I am just ready to give up and let it go....or so I thought....I like my life the way it is. So why am I all of a sudden so sad about not being pregnant. If anyone asked me when I was little what I wanted to be when I grew up it was never a doctor, or lawyer or a nurse....I ALWAYS wanted to be a mommy. I remember thinking that I wanted to love my child as much as my mother had loved me and I wanted to prove that I would be nothing like the woman that gave birth to me. I would never give my child away. Sad that those last thoughts were even in my head....however when I think of adoption I have always thought that mother gave the child away because she couldnt keep it for whatever reason. My bio mom told me when I was 8 that she gave me away because she didnt want me. The stories I have been told since then...ONLY REITERATE that to be the truth. But since my Mother died in 1997 she has tried to come back into my life as a mother figure. NOT HAPPENING! When my dad was really sick she chose to come and help me care for him and I have always felt indebted to her....however as I was thinking about this last week.....He was her father too (My grandparents adopted me.) she had just as much responsibility to care for him as I did. I am so thankful for the years that I got to spend taking care of my dad and getting to know him. I was always told that it was my responsibility to take care of him because he and my mother had chosen to take care of me when I was thrown away. Well I never looked at it as a responsibility or a burden. I looked at is as a blessing because I got to have all of this time with him. However that is the only time I can truly remember getting along with her...is when she came to help with my dad those last few months. i can remember few other times that she stepped into help but looking back now I wonder if it was to really help or to make herself feel better. About 2 years ago...I had had all I could take of her always being overly medicated and going from doctor to doctor, from one hospital to the next....she could never really hold a conversation without her sounding as if she was high as a kite. She became so unbelievable that I chose to walk away. I begged her to come off of the medications and get help. We tried to baker act her...they only kept her 2 days each time and she was right back to her old self. I even told her that I would walk away and never look back......she chose the drugs.....so I chose to walk. I spoke with her a few months back....when she was doing chemo....she didnt really act like she wanted anything to do with me so I didnt bother her. Well when she went into the hospital this time I went the first night and she made it out like I was only their for my brother....I had stuff this week to take care of so I came home and other members or our family was there. Her daughter came up the very first night, stayed for about 15 minutes and left....she hasnt been back since. However had the nerve to tell me that I am a self righteous, selfish bitch because I walked away from her for all those years....she neglects to remember all the things that she has done herself. but I am not going to air her dirty laundry in this blog. Maybe I will get all of my issues with her off my chest at a later date...but anyway...I went back to the hospital Monday night because Rhonda (my bio mom) was having her first round of radiation and I didnt want her to be alone the first night because noone would be there is she were to have a reaction.....however....it was me who had the reaction....she didnt really talk to me at all...she requested sleeping meds at 830 and was quite ugly to me. I took it in stride....I watched her sleep and made sure she didnt have a reaction...i finally laid down about 430 or so....I watched her be very ugly to some nurses because they didnt give her the meds she wanted when she wanted them, be very hateful to her husband because his car broke down and he couldnt get back up there.... ( he was supposed to bring her prescription pain medications from her first leave from the hospital a few days before) and then I discovered that she had other meds up there....the doctors had suspected that she was over medicating but she was denying having access to anything else. Well I took it with me when I left. As I was leaving that morning she was on the phone with her daughter, so I told her I had to go...she made no effort at all to talk to me...she was more interested in her phone conversation. So I left and stood just outside the door and listened to her tell her daughter thank God I was gone...and that she would have rathered it been her, and that she knew that she would have taken better care of her than I did. I cleaned her room when I got there...It was awful...there was stuff all over the floor, on her bed, on her wall cabinet...I did everything she asked me to do....but she chose to have the nurses do most everything because they knew what they were doing and I didnt. So as I walked out of there...I made the decision that I had to really think about doing the best things for ME and my TRUE family! I am sure I will be the worst possible person imaginable....but I AM OK with that. I did the best that I can do. I gave it everything I had. Now I have to walk away. I feel like I am drowning again...like that 8 year old little girl. I am not 8 years old anymore....I am 34 and I have to do what is best for me. I truly feel that what is best for me is to walk away. If that makes me selfish...then I guess I am selfish...but as many people in my life told me...I have to make the decisions that I can live with. I can live with not being hurt and not being reminded that I wasnt wanted. I am so thankful...MORE than anyone will ever know that I was adopted by 2 people that didnt have to take me...that wanted me and loved me just as if I were their own! I am also very thankful for the family that I have now...that have truly made me feel as part of a family...A real family that loves each other and wants to be there for each other. I have been blessed beyond belief. I have made the decisions...now I just have to follow thru.......I will follow thru with the decision to live my own life. I have more support than I ever realized. One step at a time....one foot in front of the other and JUST BREATHE!!!!!