1/31/11 A new day!

It does not matter how slowly you go
as long as you do not stop.
~Confucius

Well today is a new day after a long weekend. We did a wedding on Saturday, and went to the bridal extravaganza yesterday. It has just been crazy busy and I am exhausted. however this week is looking pretty busy to...I am not in any way complaining.I am thankful. However I am also going to make a true effort to get my life back on track. I am going to get back to a workout routine and eating a little healthier...there are some new recipes that I want to try. I am finding it very difficult to get back on track once I have gotten off....but I am determined to try....I can start as many times as I need to but I will never give up! So here we go,.....trudging along!!!!

Today's weight.....221
Today's goal.....be thankful for what I have....gym(or at least workout), stay within my calories and carbohydrate count.
get some work done....and pay bills...

1/2711 My Choices.....

"At the end of the day you either focus on what's tearing you apart or you focus on what's holding you together. The choice is yours to make.....

I think this is going to be my everyday new motto....For so long I have focused on what was tearing me apart. The choices that I had made....for seemingly all the wrong reasons. Today started out to be one of those days where I was focusing on what was tearing me apart...I woke up to the phone ringing so I answered it, it was her....where is my medicine, I am going home today...I need it...I need it now...You have to come right now! No good morning, no how is your day, no how did you sleep...it was instantaneous griping from the minute I said hello. Well good morning to you too, I wanted to scream...but I didn't. I said ok...I will be there as soon as I can. I have to get some stuff together for an appointment that I have this afternoon but I will be there. Well you have to come here first. you have to come here NOW...they will be here to get me and I cant be without those medicines. Your life REALLY DOES revolve around this bag of pills I have doesn't it...I sooo wanted to yell at her....but I didn't. I simply, calmly said...I'll be there and hung up the phone. From then to the time I got dressed, got my stuff together and walked out the door...3 more calls...just like the first. I keep repeating to myself...this is it...the last time you have to walk thru this fire. One foot in front of the other and just BREATHE!!! BREATHE!!! I can do this....and I did!!! The whole time I was in her room she was fussing at the nurse because the doctor didn't write her some kind of prescription that he had promised. I gave her a hug, told her I loved her and walked out of the room. I truly do love her. For without her I wouldn't be here....but the greatest decision she ever made for me was to give me away...she gave me away to the 2 people who loved and cherished me as their own. For that I will forever be grateful to her. As I was walking down the hallway of the hospital I felt a little guilty...I felt like I was walking out on her....but I am not...she chose this path and she walked out on me....32 years ago. I gave you away because I didnt love you....I never have and I never will.....is ringing thru my head the whole time....once again I am that 8 year old little girl. I pick my head up, reassure myself again that I am making the best decisions I can make for me. I am so thankful that Jackie went with me...I think if it had not been for her I would have fallen to pieces....but she is my rock....she is one amazing young lady....she never ceases to amaze me... She always knows just the right things to say when I need them said....or just the right time to hug me and tell me she loves me....or just to crack me up. That child will forever hold a huge piece of my heart. I am so thankful that I get to play a part in her life. I truly believe she is an angel. We leave there and go eat lunch at McDonald's....definitely not good for my weight loss journey....but soooo good for my soul. Then we go to Jessica's to layout all the details for the wedding on Saturday....and I got soooo sidetracked by the sweetest little soul...who has fought so hard to be here.....Holding her in my arms, laying her on my chest...kissing her little head, feeding her, taking pictures of her....knowing some of her journey...My problems don't seem near as big. She soothed my soul.....I don't think I will ever understand just how it is when you hold a tiny little life in your hands how everything else seems to disappear. This is a part of my family that I have never really known and a part that I look forward in getting to know. I am so excited to capture the fairytale on camera as Jessica marries her very best friend! I love my job. It doesn't seem like a job....it is a passion for me! I am so thankful for the chance to pursue it....I am so thankful for that precious baby girl today who truly captured a part of my heart. I am also thankful that 19 year old that captures my heart day after day...I love her randomness, her quirkiness, I love her for who she is....and what she is to me. I am thankful for a man that stands beside me and supports my decisions be what they may...even when he doesn't exactly agree with them....he is still there to hold my hand when I stumble. and pick me up when I fall. I have the most amazing friends, and as my friend pointed out to me in the comment on my last blog....family isn't just made by DNA....it is made by love, strength, and courage....and I am truly blessed with all of that...I couldn't ask for anything more...

PS...taking a picture of the sunset with a bigger camera while driving down the road and allowing someone else to hold the wheel because the sunset is on the driver's side....= not exactly the best thing to do but lots of laughter....well that and talking about the weird dreams you have been having....huh jaq?

So at the end of the day...I choose to focus on what is holding me together....and build upon those rocks!!!!! For today I am blessed!

1/26/11 The decision to live my life.....

As I sit here, I am aggravated, frustrated and so many other things I dont even know where to begin. I have been back and forth about my decision to walk away or stay. This has not been an easy week for me by any means. It has probably been on the list with the 10 hardest places I have ever been in my life. I have felt guilty, I have felt betrayed. I have been angry, I have been sad, and those million other feelings I can't describe. I have not been able to sleep, or eat right....I will be nauseaus and then starving....I have lost 9 lbs gained 2, lost 3 again...I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster ride and I cant get the conductor to turn the thing off. On top of all this I am 3 weeks late. 9 miscarriages later....I dont know how I have felt about that. I have taken 3 pregnancy tests...ALL NEGATIVE!!!! But still nothing. There is always that little glimmer of hope that maybe this will be the time....and then A HUGE let down when it is negative. I had made myself believe that I was ok with never having a baby...like I said before 9 miscarriages...and then you add 3 adoptions falling thru at the last minute....I am just ready to give up and let it go....or so I thought....I like my life the way it is. So why am I all of a sudden so sad about not being pregnant. If anyone asked me when I was little what I wanted to be when I grew up it was never a doctor, or lawyer or a nurse....I ALWAYS wanted to be a mommy. I remember thinking that I wanted to love my child as much as my mother had loved me and I wanted to prove that I would be nothing like the woman that gave birth to me. I would never give my child away. Sad that those last thoughts were even in my head....however when I think of adoption I have always thought that mother gave the child away because she couldnt keep it for whatever reason. My bio mom told me when I was 8 that she gave me away because she didnt want me. The stories I have been told since then...ONLY REITERATE that to be the truth. But since my Mother died in 1997 she has tried to come back into my life as a mother figure. NOT HAPPENING! When my dad was really sick she chose to come and help me care for him and I have always felt indebted to her....however as I was thinking about this last week.....He was her father too (My grandparents adopted me.) she had just as much responsibility to care for him as I did. I am so thankful for the years that I got to spend taking care of my dad and getting to know him. I was always told that it was my responsibility to take care of him because he and my mother had chosen to take care of me when I was thrown away. Well I never looked at it as a responsibility or a burden. I looked at is as a blessing because I got to have all of this time with him. However that is the only time I can truly remember getting along with her...is when she came to help with my dad those last few months. i can remember few other times that she stepped into help but looking back now I wonder if it was to really help or to make herself feel better. About 2 years ago...I had had all I could take of her always being overly medicated and going from doctor to doctor, from one hospital to the next....she could never really hold a conversation without her sounding as if she was high as a kite. She became so unbelievable that I chose to walk away. I begged her to come off of the medications and get help. We tried to baker act her...they only kept her 2 days each time and she was right back to her old self. I even told her that I would walk away and never look back......she chose the drugs.....so I chose to walk. I spoke with her a few months back....when she was doing chemo....she didnt really act like she wanted anything to do with me so I didnt bother her. Well when she went into the hospital this time I went the first night and she made it out like I was only their for my brother....I had stuff this week to take care of so I came home and other members or our family was there. Her daughter came up the very first night, stayed for about 15 minutes and left....she hasnt been back since. However had the nerve to tell me that I am a self righteous, selfish bitch because I walked away from her for all those years....she neglects to remember all the things that she has done herself. but I am not going to air her dirty laundry in this blog. Maybe I will get all of my issues with her off my chest at a later date...but anyway...I went back to the hospital Monday night because Rhonda (my bio mom) was having her first round of radiation and I didnt want her to be alone the first night because noone would be there is she were to have a reaction.....however....it was me who had the reaction....she didnt really talk to me at all...she requested sleeping meds at 830 and was quite ugly to me. I took it in stride....I watched her sleep and made sure she didnt have a reaction...i finally laid down about 430 or so....I watched her be very ugly to some nurses because they didnt give her the meds she wanted when she wanted them, be very hateful to her husband because his car broke down and he couldnt get back up there.... ( he was supposed to bring her prescription pain medications from her first leave from the hospital a few days before) and then I discovered that she had other meds up there....the doctors had suspected that she was over medicating but she was denying having access to anything else. Well I took it with me when I left. As I was leaving that morning she was on the phone with her daughter, so I told her I had to go...she made no effort at all to talk to me...she was more interested in her phone conversation. So I left and stood just outside the door and listened to her tell her daughter thank God I was gone...and that she would have rathered it been her, and that she knew that she would have taken better care of her than I did. I cleaned her room when I got there...It was awful...there was stuff all over the floor, on her bed, on her wall cabinet...I did everything she asked me to do....but she chose to have the nurses do most everything because they knew what they were doing and I didnt. So as I walked out of there...I made the decision that I had to really think about doing the best things for ME and my TRUE family! I am sure I will be the worst possible person imaginable....but I AM OK with that. I did the best that I can do. I gave it everything I had. Now I have to walk away. I feel like I am drowning again...like that 8 year old little girl. I am not 8 years old anymore....I am 34 and I have to do what is best for me. I truly feel that what is best for me is to walk away. If that makes me selfish...then I guess I am selfish...but as many people in my life told me...I have to make the decisions that I can live with. I can live with not being hurt and not being reminded that I wasnt wanted. I am so thankful...MORE than anyone will ever know that I was adopted by 2 people that didnt have to take me...that wanted me and loved me just as if I were their own! I am also very thankful for the family that I have now...that have truly made me feel as part of a family...A real family that loves each other and wants to be there for each other. I have been blessed beyond belief. I have made the decisions...now I just have to follow thru.......I will follow thru with the decision to live my own life. I have more support than I ever realized. One step at a time....one foot in front of the other and JUST BREATHE!!!!!

1/21/11 Fixing a me that is broken

Last night made 8 years that I probably made the biggest mistake that I will forever regret. My dad was in ICU and I had seen him that morning. So when I got off from work that night, I called and the nurse said that there had been no change and that he seemed to be resting, I told her that if he woke up to please call me and I would be right back up there.. So I didnt go up there when I picked my sister up. I just picked her up and went home, and went to bed. About 342am my phone rang...it was the nurse asking me if I wanted to hold true to the DNR order...that he was fading fast, I told her yes those were his wishes...it was not my place to go against him....I got dressed and was at the hospital in 6 minutes....he was already gone. I will always regret not going up there that night...but I had no idea that it would be the last chance I got. The next few days were a whirlwind for me....thankfully my dad and I had talked at length about what he wanted so most of the decisions were already made...I just had to put them in place. It was some of the hardest days of my life...I had spent most of the previous few years taking care of him. I didnt know what to do with myself. There was no breakfast to be made....no medicines to be given, no doctors, hospitals, therapists, nurses to call....I honestly didnt think I would survive. My living room no longer looked like a hospital room...everything was gone....Today I still feel that emptiness and loss when I think about him and that regret that I wasnt with him when he died. He was all alone....We were all there when my mom died...her bed was surrounded with family....but my dad was alone. How could I have let that happen. If I had just went up there that night...I might have stayed as I had done the nights before...but i had just started working and I was so tired. That is a decision I will spend the rest of my life regretting. I told myself that I was going to stay in bed today...this past week has been mentally and emotionally and physically DRAINING! I just wanted to sleep thru today. NOT AN OPTION! My phone started ringing at 630ish this morning....My bio mom is back in the hospital....my brother had to have some kind of procedure done this morning and my best friends dad was admitted to the ICU. after I got those calls and texts... I was determined to go back to sleep. I just laid there...slept off and on till about 1145 and woke up with a determination I have no idea where came from. I decided that sleeping my life away is not an option. My dad would be so disappointed in me. I would be disappointed in me. So I got up and did what I should have done at 730 this morning...I weighed myself...I am now down to 219.6 WOOT WOOT!!! not my goal is to stay under 220...I got on the Wii Fit and I worked out....I answered emails, and now I am writing in my blog...painful as it is...I feel that I am working toward healing another part of me that was broken. I loved my dad very much and I am so thankful that I got to spend as much time with him as I did before he died. I was blessed with the opportunity to care for him and it is not one I would ever want to change. Was it difficult...yes one of the most difficult chapters of my life....but I have to know that I did the best I could....His Chapters were over but mine were only beginning....So I am working on a new chapter in my life. This chapter has to be about me. I know that sounds selfish....but there has to be a point where I take care of me...and I feel I am at that point......I will not let anyone else hold the pen and write the story of my life.....it will be me. I may have regrets, but at least I will know I did my best! After all it is my life!

1/19/11 A horrible week

This has been a horrible week for me....Family illness, personal stuggles, and just an all around bad week.... My eating went to crap....There was no exercise unless you count running from one hospital room to the other and back again for 2 days...or the million miles from hospital rooms to the truck a few times. Running on empty for those days and then when I got home being so exhausted that I slept for hours....Now I feel like I am just drained...physically, mentally, emotionally...If I didnt know better I would swear I was drowning.....So needless to say my weight is all over the place. I got the email Sunday around 11 am....that my biological mother ( whom I grew up with as my sister, my grandparents adopted me before I was 2) had been admitted to the hospital in Dothan. They had done some tests and had found that her lung cancer has now spread to her brain. In the beginning of that day we were told that there was a 10 mm tumor on the left side of her brain....by yesterday evening when the radiation oncologist came in we were told that there were 5 tumors about that side on her brain. One doctor telling us that he thought the best thing for us to do was to just make her comfortable. He didnt think she would survive all of this....and then yesterday the oncologist told them that he recommended radiation. So this morning she starts coughing and passes out for no apparent reason....not once but twice and they send her home today to come back to the oncologist tomorrow. I was not able to go up there yesterday or today, so all of this comes from my sisters (her sisters if you are being technical...but since I am adopted they are all my sisters) confused yet....Welcome to my life. However in the midst of all of this...my brother (one of which I love more than life itself) was rushed into the hospital by ambulance from another hospital....he was admitted and tests run to show that he had 3 duodenal(????) ulcers, one of which had been bleeding, but has NO ACTIVE bleeding now. However apparently today he is in a lot of pain so they will run more tests tomorrow. Then you throw my other brother in....( whom I also love more than life) He was diagnosed a few weeks back with cancer in his neck and started radiation today...along with that came a feeding tube for him. Now if any of you know either of my brothers you will know that this is very difficult for both of them. They are 2 of the most stubborn men I have ever met in my life and getting them to go to the doctor is like getting an elephant to move...without peanuts....IT DOESN'T HAPPEN! Both of them work themselves to death. and for either of them to be missing work or have to take a leave of absence you know there is most definitely something wrong! They don't go to the doctor for anything...Then you add on top of that that I have another sister who is having a lymph node cut out of her neck within a couple of weeks, that they don't know if is cancer. I am a little nervous. No they are not my biological siblings but if you want to get technical about it...they would still be my aunt and uncles....SO it would still be all in the family. I am so nerve wracked and then I get home and have a huge falling out with my biological sister whom up until recently I haven't talked to in over 2 years. ( A whole nother story that I am not ready to tell yet) and because I will not push my biological mom to have radiation if the doctors don't think she will make it thru it. I have automatically become a self righteous selfish bitch. How exactly does that work. I am not really sure....because I chose to walk away from the woman who gave me away 32 years ago....She made the choice. NOT ME! I offered her a relationship with me if she just got sober....if she would take her medications as prescribed and not keep going from doctor to doctor to hospital to hospital....She refused...that was 2 years ago. So up until this past weekend I had only spoken to her a handful of times....every single time she was on pills and couldn't carry a conversation. So yes I made the decision to step away...if that makes me a bad person, then I am sorry. I tried....I failed. Maybe I am failing again. I don't know...I just know that I cant do this again. Every time I look at her I feel myself become that 8 year old little girl that she told she didn't love that she never had and she never would. I see all the times I have asked her for answers and every time she has given me a different answer. None of which have ever been the same twice. I have tried really hard to let all of this go...I wish it were easy just to throw all of that away and be there for her in her time of need. But I haven't been able to do that yet. It was a tremendous feat for me to even go to the hospital....but I did. I know I am probably letting her and everyone else down but I have to do what is best for me. If that makes me selfish then so be it.....I guess there is a first time for everything. I have been trying to write all of this out since Monday and had not been able to....every time I sat down to write it I would shut down and cry...well today I just got angry....I guess angry is a start...because tonight I worked out and then got on here and started writing...hopefully tomorrow will be a better day and I will be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel on this roller coaster ride of emotion that I am currently struggling with. All I can do is hope! I have to take care of me.....I may regret it in the end...but I have struggled with this feeling since I was 8....now it is time to face it head on....the sad part is, if I confronted her with it there is no doubt in my mind that she would swear she never said it....I wish she hadn't.....but she did...I am the one who has had to live with it. Dont get me wrong....I am so greatful that I was adopted by my parents who loved me more than i ever could have imagined.....I just wanted answers, and I wanted her to have a good one as to why she kept my little sister and chose to give me away....why she let me crawl out the door at 18 months old and never looked for me...until my stepdad got home 12 hours later and couldnt find me.....why she would never tell me who my biological father was.....I just wanted answers....I guess at 34 I still do...and she is still not willing to give them....So where do I go from here......how do I live with all of that....why did it all have to come to this....she is dying and everyone expects me to just give in and be there adn take care of her....I dont know if I am strong enough for all of that......I feel like I am drowning....and I am going to refuse to eat my way out of this one......food will not be my comfort....not this time...I have to figure out a way to deal...without losing myself again....so that is my goal for this week....to get 2-3 more workouts in...and figure out a way to deal with life....I know this blog is all over the place but that kinda goes with how I am currently feeling.....ALL OVER THE PLACE!

1/15/11...getting back on again....

I feel like I have fallen off of the wagon....these last couple of days I have been eating leftovers as to clean out the fridge...not really measuring...just eating. Then tonight I made taco salad...granted I used ground turkey...but still....that doesnt exactly make it healthy. I made yet another promise to myself, tomorrow I get up earlier and try for the gym again. I am paying for a membership that is just sitting there.....WTH that is a waste of money...Money I could honestly use. So if I am going to pay it, I might as well at least make use of it.....There is so much on my mind right now....I don't even begin to know where to start. I am angry at myself because I have once again fallen back into my old patterns and I am trying to convince myself that tomorrow will be different....but that is a battle I am fighting within myself. I know that I can do this....I KNOW I CAN! I JUST HAVE TO DO IT! One foot in front of the other and one breathe at a time. I have been telling other people that so why cant I convince myself to do the same.....So tomorrow I am going to do my best to get back on the right track. I love my life and I want to be the one to live it.....

1/15/11

I can feel myself slipping back into my old patterns. I haven't exercised in 2 days...I keep telling myself that I am tired, that I have to get other things done...I can feel myself not taking time for me. I did get some fun time yesterday evening and last night. I scrap-booked with a friend. I got 6 new pages done...it doesn't seem like i accomplished a lot but in the grand scheme of things I really did. The pictures I used were from our trip 2 years ago. Our weekend in Atlanta. We had a blast. It was one of the best weekends ever. I still have a long way to go, but that is my goal every Friday to archive my memories. I love looking at those pictures because they bring back such good memories for us. But that only makes me want to try harder to get healthy. So that I can keep making memories. I really need to take care of me. I need to keep my focus on me...and not making everyone else aruond me happy...I need to learn to make myself happy! I need to do things for me. So that I feel good about myself. I know this must sound pretty selfish....but I have been unselfish for most of my life. It has always been about making someone else happy or feel good about themselves. I feel like the goodyear blimp. I feel so huge. I need to do something about it....so here we go....back to the diet. I feel I need to conquer this once and for all! I am done playing games with myself. I am only cheating me...and you know what....that SUCKS! Only I can make me feel better!

1/14/11 Determination......

I saw a quote last night while I was watching the biggest loser (DVR). It said It's not about winning or losing, it is about fixing what is broken. I have thought a lot about that since that moment and decided it truly does fit where I feel I am at in my life. I feel like I am broken. So now I have to soul search and see if I can find what makes me feel that way and try to fix it and move forward. There are so many points in my life over the last 34 years that I could truly say that I felt broke. Dont get me wrong. I was very loved. I couldnt have asked for my parents to love me any more than they did. But being adopted, sometimes made me feel as if I were thrown away. Like I was never wanted in the beginning and that my parents who were originally my grandparents got stuck with me. Heaven help me if either of them ever heard me say that and they would tell you they chose me. But I always wondered if they missed what they were missing in their "Golden Years" they spent them raising me. I am so very thankful for them. i truly feel blessed to have had them as such a wonderful part of my life. But I think being adopted made me feel broken. I wonder if I had been adopted by someone I didnt know if I would have felt any differently. Or If I would have still felt like they got stuck with me. My Mom used to tease me when I would say that...telling me that she got stuck with 6 kids....they chose me. :) I have always felt like I had to struggle with my weight. If I was upset about something I would eat. Everyone in my family was a little overweight....except my mom. So it was normal for me.....being over 200 lbs should not feel normal to most people. It sure doesnt feel normal to me anymore. It is driving me crazy....I didnt get much of anything done yesterday....I was pretty much exhausted from lack of sleep so I felt sluggish all day. Which means I didnt eat right...I didnt exercise and I gained a lb....but today I refuse to back down. I am determined to fix what is broken within me and love me for me.

1/13/11 Really.....

I dont understand it. I try to make a plan for myself to get me motivated and low and behold if I dont go stark raving mad. Sleep is not wanting to be my friend and when it does come and visit it is bringing the nasty nightmares so that even thinking about laying down and sleeping has me have one panic attack after another. What is wrong with this picture.I am trying so hard to get on the right track. I am watching what I eat....Measuring everything out, exercising. The whole 9 yards. But I feel like my day is stolen from me. I didnt get to sleep until after 8 am this morning....I even thought about skipping sleep all together. But knew that was a bad idea since I was finally tired. But then I slept until noon. and now feel like I will accomplish absolutely NOTHING because my day is gone. I hate thinking like this. I hate feeling like this. On a happier note...I stepped on the scale this morning and I weighed 121.2 I have lost 6 lbs so far this week. I am soooooooooooooooooo excited about that. But I am not going to be satisfied and stop. I have a goal. According to the wii I should be 124lbs...are they insane....I dont want to be skinny....I want to be healthy. I am thinking that I want to get down to about 145-150 and we will see where it goes from there. I am absolutely sick of wondering if I will wake up in the morning or if I will suffocate...because that is what it feels like when I lay down... I am proud of me for staying with calorie count and exercising at some point every day. It is the effort that counts....but I am so frustrated that I cant seem to get on a schedule. WHat is wrong with me? I feel like I am defective. I feel like I am going to get stuck again and I am going to quit like I always do. I read this post last night on face book that said something like people always get off track because they are so focused on how far they have left that they forget to acknowledge how far they have come. So I am going to try to do that today. To remember how far I have come in the past few years instead of dwelling on the work that is left ahead of me on my journey. I have to remember that this is MY journey and noone can write it but me. I want to write a story of love and thankfulness, and caring and forgiveness. Not about being angry and bitter. So God help me I am going to write the story of my life with my own pen not with someone elses. I refuse to live my life making other people happy and making my ownself unhappy. I am so thankful for the love and support of my husband who has watched me tear myself apart over things I have absolutely no control over and watched me rip myself to shreds for doing what was best for me. So today I am going to dwell on that love and know that no matter how many times I fall he will be there to pick me up. To put back any pieces that might have broken and to love me thru every step. I need to get better at making me happy and not depending on other people to be happy becasue those other people sure arent worried about me. I am going to focus on my business, which 3 years ago was only a dream that is now a reality. I am going to focus on having a roof over my head which 4 years ago I wasnt exactly sure where I was going to lay my head at night or what I was going to eat the next day. However in that time period I managed to gain enough weight to make me almost 300 lbs.....I think my heaviest weight was 287...So in the last 2 years I have managed to get to where I am now at 221...That is 66lbs. It may not seem like a lot for some people but it was a long road for me. So looking at how far I have come...I am pretty sure I am almost half way there at least with my goal weight. I just have to keep going....one foot in front of the other, one day at a time with my head held high. I have to keep myself grounded in the fact that I am very much loved and appreciated by my little family. I think I have ranted for long enough....I just needed to get those things off my chest....continuing my journey.....D

1/12/11 What was I thinking......

I LOVE FOOD ... that is the problem.. its a horrible addiction.. its not like drugs or alcohol.. you cant go to rehab and make new friends stay away from it.. you have to have it to live.. without it your gonna die...its NOT FAIR..

A quote from my new friend Patti Spurlock. I was talking to her this afternoon about my weight loss journey and where she thought hers had started.... and this was something that she said amidst our conversation. Its so true.... it makes me think about the quote that says God if you wont make me thin...please make all my friends fat. I have always loved that quote, however I wouldnt wish this on my worst enemy. I hate being fat. I know I am the only one that can do anything about it. But it is much easier said than done when you have been fat for as long as you can remember. I knew there was a problem a few months ago when I couldnt sleep for having panic attacks in the middle of the night from not being able to breathe. If I turned over on my back...I was gasping for air. So I lost a few lbs maybe 15 or so and I was a little better so I stopped really trying. Well the other day I got on the scale and saw that I was gaining again and it really was a slap in the face. I am going to be right back where I started from if I dont do something different. So I am trying to do different. however this morning i overslept. when I get up late, I tend to not do anything for the rest of the day because I am angry that my day is gone. It drives me crazy. So today I swore was not going to be like that. I started the last 2 loads of laundry that were left in the house. (for today...there always seems to be a mountain of laundry before I know it.) I made lunch....and I think i am fixing to get in a wii workout. I have to do something....sore as I am....I dont want to give up on me. I am going to do this....I have to do this.....FOR ME! I want to like what I see in the mirror and not be disgusted by who I am....

1/11/11

So far so good....but what is this day 2 of the 350 times I have turned around...but so far I counted calories and measured everything. Trying to use healthier recipes and planning things out. I can do this....without the slip up last night of chips that I had right before going to bed. Tonight I am not going to do that...I am going to make a conscious effort to have a healthy snack about mid evening...but on a happier note...i did go work out with the girls today and make plans to go to the gym tomorrow with my hubby. Came home made soup for lunch and started laundry. Now to keep the laundry going and hung, folded and put away....That is the task at hand...LOL! OH YEAH and to get some work done....Off to write my to do list for this afternoon and tomorrow so that I can get a better start tomorrow and not such a late one!

1/10/11 Slap in the face

Well I got on the scale this morning and pretty much feel like I have slapped myself in the face. I have been pretty good at convincing myself that as long as I didnt gain any weight that I would be ok with myself. Yes I want to lose weight but cant seem to find the motivation to do anything about it. Well maybe this morning was the turning point in that little thinking....because i got on the scale and I was 227.4 lbs....hello I have GAINED 5 lbs this week....wth was I thinking....or eating...wait I have pretty much been eating everything in site. NOT COOL! So I got dressed and decided to actually try to make a concious effort to journal everything I was putting into my body. i hope that I dont let it get this bad again. I just feel like it doesnt matter what i do I cant seem to get past 220 again. I get there and I flucuate between 220 and 223. until this week and I GAINED 5 lbs. I am sick of being the fat girl. I am sick of not being able to breathe when I lay down at night. I AM SICK OF FEELING UGLY! I used to look in the mirror even as a big girl and feel somewhat pretty. Now I feel disgusted when I look in the mirror. I dont want to be super skinny, I just want to be healthy and feel good about myself and the way I look. So here I go again!
I weighed 227.4 For Brunch (i didnt wake up til 10 because we had company until 4am) I had pancakes, with a tbsp butter, and sugar free syrup and a small glass of milk. 384 calories.....so far no exercise today yet other than a little house work....but the day is not over......and so far no water...but I am about to remedy that.... I hope everyone is having a great day! Please pray for me as I am about to embark on this journey once again that I can keep up with the struggles and not feel defeated!

1/6/11 The U Turn

So I have made up my mind to do another U turn...I have gotten off of the right track and I am making a conscious effort to get back on it again. I dont like being the fat girl....nor do I like not being able to breathe when I lay down. I dont like walking into a store and seeing really cute clothes that I cant wear. I realize that I am the only one who can do anything about this....I got on the scale this morning and I weigh 223.6 not my heaviest by far....but most definitely much larger than I want to be. So I am going to make the effort to eat better and exercise a lot more. I have admitted to myself that I have become really lazy. I have become way to comfortable and I dont like it! they say you cant love someone else fully until you love yourself and at this point in my life I dont like me at all! So I am going to turn myself back around and do it....I am going to like what and who I see in the mirror every day. It is very easy for me to slip into being lazy and staying in my pajamas all day unless I have a shoot. This morning I decided not to do that. I decided to get dressed and put make up on and feel human again. That is one of the downfalls of working from home. Everybody thinks they would love to work from home....but it is very easy to lose yourself when you are doing so. I have become very distant I feel and I dont feel like I am really accomplishing anything. Well that is about to change. Today, I am going to go run errands and go to the grocery store. I am going to start realizing things I like about me and working on making myself back into the person that I love being! Dont get me wrong. I am very thankful for the life that I have and feel very blessed and fortunate to be able to run my business from home and to absolutely love what I do. I just feel like I am not getting anywhere....and that needs to change. So here we go.........complete 180~