1/21/11 Fixing a me that is broken

Last night made 8 years that I probably made the biggest mistake that I will forever regret. My dad was in ICU and I had seen him that morning. So when I got off from work that night, I called and the nurse said that there had been no change and that he seemed to be resting, I told her that if he woke up to please call me and I would be right back up there.. So I didnt go up there when I picked my sister up. I just picked her up and went home, and went to bed. About 342am my phone rang...it was the nurse asking me if I wanted to hold true to the DNR order...that he was fading fast, I told her yes those were his wishes...it was not my place to go against him....I got dressed and was at the hospital in 6 minutes....he was already gone. I will always regret not going up there that night...but I had no idea that it would be the last chance I got. The next few days were a whirlwind for me....thankfully my dad and I had talked at length about what he wanted so most of the decisions were already made...I just had to put them in place. It was some of the hardest days of my life...I had spent most of the previous few years taking care of him. I didnt know what to do with myself. There was no breakfast to be made....no medicines to be given, no doctors, hospitals, therapists, nurses to call....I honestly didnt think I would survive. My living room no longer looked like a hospital room...everything was gone....Today I still feel that emptiness and loss when I think about him and that regret that I wasnt with him when he died. He was all alone....We were all there when my mom died...her bed was surrounded with family....but my dad was alone. How could I have let that happen. If I had just went up there that night...I might have stayed as I had done the nights before...but i had just started working and I was so tired. That is a decision I will spend the rest of my life regretting. I told myself that I was going to stay in bed today...this past week has been mentally and emotionally and physically DRAINING! I just wanted to sleep thru today. NOT AN OPTION! My phone started ringing at 630ish this morning....My bio mom is back in the hospital....my brother had to have some kind of procedure done this morning and my best friends dad was admitted to the ICU. after I got those calls and texts... I was determined to go back to sleep. I just laid there...slept off and on till about 1145 and woke up with a determination I have no idea where came from. I decided that sleeping my life away is not an option. My dad would be so disappointed in me. I would be disappointed in me. So I got up and did what I should have done at 730 this morning...I weighed myself...I am now down to 219.6 WOOT WOOT!!! not my goal is to stay under 220...I got on the Wii Fit and I worked out....I answered emails, and now I am writing in my blog...painful as it is...I feel that I am working toward healing another part of me that was broken. I loved my dad very much and I am so thankful that I got to spend as much time with him as I did before he died. I was blessed with the opportunity to care for him and it is not one I would ever want to change. Was it difficult...yes one of the most difficult chapters of my life....but I have to know that I did the best I could....His Chapters were over but mine were only beginning....So I am working on a new chapter in my life. This chapter has to be about me. I know that sounds selfish....but there has to be a point where I take care of me...and I feel I am at that point......I will not let anyone else hold the pen and write the story of my life.....it will be me. I may have regrets, but at least I will know I did my best! After all it is my life!