1/13/11 Really.....

I dont understand it. I try to make a plan for myself to get me motivated and low and behold if I dont go stark raving mad. Sleep is not wanting to be my friend and when it does come and visit it is bringing the nasty nightmares so that even thinking about laying down and sleeping has me have one panic attack after another. What is wrong with this picture.I am trying so hard to get on the right track. I am watching what I eat....Measuring everything out, exercising. The whole 9 yards. But I feel like my day is stolen from me. I didnt get to sleep until after 8 am this morning....I even thought about skipping sleep all together. But knew that was a bad idea since I was finally tired. But then I slept until noon. and now feel like I will accomplish absolutely NOTHING because my day is gone. I hate thinking like this. I hate feeling like this. On a happier note...I stepped on the scale this morning and I weighed 121.2 I have lost 6 lbs so far this week. I am soooooooooooooooooo excited about that. But I am not going to be satisfied and stop. I have a goal. According to the wii I should be 124lbs...are they insane....I dont want to be skinny....I want to be healthy. I am thinking that I want to get down to about 145-150 and we will see where it goes from there. I am absolutely sick of wondering if I will wake up in the morning or if I will suffocate...because that is what it feels like when I lay down... I am proud of me for staying with calorie count and exercising at some point every day. It is the effort that counts....but I am so frustrated that I cant seem to get on a schedule. WHat is wrong with me? I feel like I am defective. I feel like I am going to get stuck again and I am going to quit like I always do. I read this post last night on face book that said something like people always get off track because they are so focused on how far they have left that they forget to acknowledge how far they have come. So I am going to try to do that today. To remember how far I have come in the past few years instead of dwelling on the work that is left ahead of me on my journey. I have to remember that this is MY journey and noone can write it but me. I want to write a story of love and thankfulness, and caring and forgiveness. Not about being angry and bitter. So God help me I am going to write the story of my life with my own pen not with someone elses. I refuse to live my life making other people happy and making my ownself unhappy. I am so thankful for the love and support of my husband who has watched me tear myself apart over things I have absolutely no control over and watched me rip myself to shreds for doing what was best for me. So today I am going to dwell on that love and know that no matter how many times I fall he will be there to pick me up. To put back any pieces that might have broken and to love me thru every step. I need to get better at making me happy and not depending on other people to be happy becasue those other people sure arent worried about me. I am going to focus on my business, which 3 years ago was only a dream that is now a reality. I am going to focus on having a roof over my head which 4 years ago I wasnt exactly sure where I was going to lay my head at night or what I was going to eat the next day. However in that time period I managed to gain enough weight to make me almost 300 lbs.....I think my heaviest weight was 287...So in the last 2 years I have managed to get to where I am now at 221...That is 66lbs. It may not seem like a lot for some people but it was a long road for me. So looking at how far I have come...I am pretty sure I am almost half way there at least with my goal weight. I just have to keep going....one foot in front of the other, one day at a time with my head held high. I have to keep myself grounded in the fact that I am very much loved and appreciated by my little family. I think I have ranted for long enough....I just needed to get those things off my chest....continuing my journey.....D