3/31/11 Faith....

"Faith dares the soul to go farther than it can see." ~William Clark

This is the quote in my email this morning. I am a true believer in this. I never have any idea where I am going but somehow always end up exactly where I need to be. Most of the time not realizing until I am there exactly the process of how I got there. One of my goals for this year has been stepping back and looking at my life and making the changes that I have wanted to change for a long time. My attitude and outlook on life, my weight, the growth of our business, among other small things... ONe of the biggest things that I have to let go is the inability to have a child. I have thought several times that I am ok with it, that I love my life the way it is. But then I will see someone else pregnant or with a newborn baby and my heart aches all over again. This is a battle I have fought for many years. When you asked me what I wanted to be when I was little the only thing I ever remember really wanting was to be a mommy. Now dont get me wrong. I have always had children in my life that I loved as my own and dont think I could love any more if they were mine...but at the end of every day it is someone else that they call Mommy. I throughout my life have been able to help several children along the way and if I had had my own that most likely wouldn't have been an option. I am grateful for that but those children always end up going home and I am left sitting alone. Well not alone...but you know what I mean. I dont know why this is such an issue for me today more so than any other day....but it is weighing heavy on my heart today.

Onto other things. I am going to head back to the gym today....and hope that I can keep it up. I am down to 218lbs....now if I can just keep doing down instead of fluctuating from here to 222. If I can quit wanting breads, and pastas, and all things bad for me, I would be ok. But those are the things that I want sooooo bad. those are the things that I crave. Today is the day that I feel like just giving up....So today is the day that I will push myself ALOT to do just the opposite and work harder to reach my goal.... I am not sure how I am going to accomplish this but dangit I am!!! I can do this....I have to do this...there is no other option. I want to be healthy.. I am sick of feeling like the good year blimp...I am sick of not being able to breathe when I lay down at night....or when I walk from the grocery store to the truck....I am going to change this. Only I can do this....After all it is my life and it is what I make it!!! To the gym I go!!!!!

3/28/11 Happiness

"Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have." ~Anonymous

I think this a lesson that we can all learn from, or at the very least think about. I know that it has rang true in my personal life and my business life. I have always been told to thank God for what I have and to trust him for what I need. I believe that. I think that if I am not thankful for what I have already been given then how can I expect to keep getting. Sounds kind of selfish if you ask me. I have been selfish in my life. Quite honestly more times than I care to admit. I have learned some hard lessons in the past few months. I have learned that things aren't always what they are cracked up to be. I have learned the very hard way that we are never EVER promised tomorrow and that we should make the most of every second that we are given because once it is gone you can never get it back. I dont want to live a life of things I regret never doing. I want to do things I never thought possible. I know that I will have to appreciate what I have to be happy. It has been a rough week for us. But I learned from it. For that I am thankful. I am learning new lessons every day of my life. I have adopted Brook Noel's thought process by saying to myself every morning that "Something great is going to happen to me today and I can't wait to see what it is." Even if it is a small accomplishment. It is an ACCOMPLISHMENT! I had someone tell me today that they were proud of me....I dont think he realized how much that meant to me. He told me that I had my head screwed on straight and working things out in my life. I am trying so hard to make things work....it is a daily decision to make things work. It is a conscious effort for both of us. I dont think this person knew how much it meant to me for his comment. Because it is someone whom I value what their thoughts are of me. Someone that I dont get to talk to very often. But someone from the outside looking in that sees the effort that I have put into what we do. It just made the effort appreciated. I truly look forward to where we are going. Yes I know that it may be a long road ahead....but it will be worth it. I am thankful for the journey. As for my weight loss journey....Ugggh... I am back and forth...but at least it is so far staying under 220. My new goal is 210....I figure if I make small goals that they are attainable and makes me feel like I am accomplishing something. For that I am grateful! So onward with this journey that I call my life. I do appreciate what I have and I do feel like I am truly happy with my life. No every day is not easy....but noone ever said that it would be.....they just said that the ride would be worth it and that I do believe with every ounce of my being..... Loving the life that is loving me back!

3/25/11 another day...

So this was my list for yesterday...

Go to the gym!!!
Work on the laundry!
straighten the workroom!
Get disks made for previous edits
Finish the edits for...
Wheeler Family
Hughes/Davis engagement
Morgan Maternity


I did go to the gym...although I hurt my wrist warming up with Shane and a 6lb weight ball.....Shane and T went and ran the errands so technically I can say those are off of my list. I did work on the Morgan Maternity session.... I am about halfway thru it. I am not having a great day today....I cant tell you why because that would require that I be able to figure it out....I am going to sneak away for a bit, go visit a friend, and clear my head!!! then I am going to come back and get some work done before I go with the hubby this afternoon to judge a photography show for the children in a photography group on post. I am a LOT excited to see what they came up with....Things to do today....the difference between try and triumph, is the umph so today I am going to work on getting the Umph!!! On a happy note...I have lost 2 more lbs......I am down to 219.4 (Again) next goal is 215. Working on me....after all it is my life and my life is what I make it!!!!

3/24/11 new day....

"The difference between great people and everyone else is that great people create their lives actively, while everyone else is created by their lives, passively waiting to see where life takes them next. The difference between the two is the difference between living fully and just existing."
~Michael E. Gerber

So today is a new day and it is up to me how I am going to spend that day. I woke up a little later than I wanted.....but I still have the whole rest of the day to do with what I want. So what do I want to do with it you ask....I am going to make some goals to accomplish today. The list is as follows.

Go to the gym!!!
Work on the laundry!
straighten the workroom!
Get disks made for previous edits
Finish the edits for...
Wheeler Family
Hughes/Davis engagement
Morgan Maternity

get some errands run.
Meet Nat for an auction tonight...

Can I accomplish all of this.....is it doable....yes....
Will I do it...that is the question of the day. Well the morning is starting off with good intentions. so we will see how far those good intentions and hard work take me today....Headed to the gym now.......hope everyone has a wonderful day!

3/23/11 on with the journey....

So.....my journey seems like a roller coaster...but I am learning... OH AM I LEARNING!! I learned a hard lesson the other day...I lost 9 lbs last week doing the cabbage soup diet. So then on Monday, I thought it would be ok to have Chinese food for lunch....because I was going to hit the gym and I wasn't going to eat terribly bad. So I had a small portion of rice, sesame chicken, general tso's chicken and crab rangoon(which by the way is my FAVORITE). Yeah not so much anymore...it truly didnt even taste good. Anyway we had a lot to do on Monday so my thought process was grab some workout clothes and head to the gym after the WAPPA meeting Monday night. I grabbed the clothes and took them with us and we had to run to Sam's to pick up dog food. so we stopped at Chick Fila..going to grab some quick carbs to fuel the workout...yeah NOOOOOOOOO! It sat so heavy in both of us that it was unbelievable. Needless to say we never made it to the gym. The next morning I dreadfully stepped on the scale....I wish I hadnt...I gained 2 lbs....REALLY REALLY!!! What the crap....I know I know...it was my own fault...I ate things I shouldnt have ate..So yesterday cabbage soup it was....I did really good...ALL DAY!! until about 945 last night...I had this urge for chocolate.....so I gave in and went to Walmart and bought a candy bar... I paid dearly for it. it was so sweet.....yes I know that is what it is supposed to be...but this was like outta this world sweet. This morning i dreaded the scale....but the good note is I didnt gain any weight....the bad note is I didnt lose any either. This journey is going to be the hardest thing for me....I love love love to eat....I mean really love to eat...why cant the stuff that is good for you taste like the stuff you love that is bad for you...I know I am on a ranting spree....but I would really love to be one of those people that can eat and eat and eat and never gain a pound......happily...I know some people have just as much trouble gaining weight as I have losing it....but I wish we lived in a perfect world. Of course my perfect world would consist of a healthy me and a healthy Shane and lots of healthy children that belonged to us.....but we all know the world is not perfect....but hey a girl can dream right......

Ok done with the rant....onto other things in my life. I am super excited about where things are going with our photography business. Shane and I attended a class since we needed to be home this weekend. It was a blessing in disguise. I learned soooooooo much! I am truly looking forward to the changes that I am working on within myself and our business.I cant wait to see what happens.... After all it is my life and it is what I make it! Setting goals and making things happen!

3/15/11 new outlook on life....

Be a best friend, tell the truth, and overuse I Love You
Go to work, do your best, don't outsmart your common since
Never let your prayin knees get lazy
And love like crazy... Lee Brice

The past couple of months have been in a word CRAZY! An emotional roller coaster ride to say the least. It seems like one thing will finally start getting a little better to handle and then my family has been knocked off its rocker again. Several times I have said as well as other people in my family that we just aren't sure how much I(we) can take. I have found myself fighting to get out of bed. I know that I have to keep going. I WILL NOT GIVE UP! I have gained 13 lbs in the last 2 months. I seem to just want to eat and not do anything. The only things that really make me forget everything that is wrong in our life is eating and pictures. I love taking pictures....I am having a little bit of trouble sitting down to edit those pictures because I can't seem to stop myself from thinking when I am sitting still. I have to pull myself out of this rut. I am not doing anyone any good in my current state of mind. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out. Yesterday I met a friend for lunch. It was the first time we have seen each other in YEARS!! We were talking about where our lives have been and where they are going...I was truly amazed with my thought process. I have so much to be thankful for. I am the wife of an amazing veteran. Who fought for our country. Who has lost so much more than I will ever be able to imagine. Who has sacrificed more than most will ever fathom. Every day is a battle for a lot of soldiers. There are so many people who would love to be in my shoes right now and have the things that I do to be thankful for. I have 2 kids in my home that I love as if they were my own. I have several children in my life that I love as if they were my own. I have a family that if anything is dysfunctional...however they are mine and I love them! I have a zoo that I absolutely love. (needs to be downsized, but loved nonetheless). I have a core group of friends that are absolutely amazing....I have a business that is finally picking up and I know that I have to work at it to get it where I want it. So I am going to start setting goals that I can attain and work toward them once I attain those I will set more and work toward those. We are never promised tomorrow, So I need to make the most of today. EVERY DAY! I will be setting goals today....we will see what happens. After all it is my life and I am the only one who can make a difference in it. I am once again determined to do just that....make a difference!ILYSPT!

3/9/11 I WONT Let GO....

Today was a really hard day for me. I have loved my brothers for as long as I can remember and they have always been right up there with my daddy as my heroes.....they could do no wrong in my eyes...I thought they were invincible...I haven't been in close contact with them in the last few years because of some personal reasons that I will not put out there for the world to see. However a few weeks back for saddening reasons they are a part of my life again. As most of you know I was adopted by my grandparents on March 22, before I turned 2 on May 28. in the last few weeks before my biological mom's death she had been really sick. She was diagnosed with brain cancer which had originated as lung cancer and spread to her brain. I spent some time with her at the hospital prior to her car accident that claimed her life on Feb 2 of this year. While she was in the hospital one of my brothers was rushed in as well to the same hospital. I stayed at the hospital that night and realized just how much both of my brothers meant to me. AND just how much I missed them and couldn't imagine my life without either of them in it any longer. I was so scared to make the effort to walk back in again. I don't think I could have stood it if either of them wouldn't want me in their life. But I promised myself that I would make the effort and I would know that I had done every single thing I could do to make things right with both of them. I would make sure they both new exactly how much I loved them and what they meant to me. I have seen them both a few times since or talked on the phone with them. I don't know if I will EVER be able to tell them what they mean to me. All I can do is pray that they know they are my world. 4 months ago my older brother, the brother that held my hand and walked me down the aisle for my first marriage and told me he was proud of me, the one that when my dad died called me every day for weeks to see if I was ok, the one when I had a devastating period of my life was the one who would call every day just to check on me, was diagnosed with cancer in his neck and is having aggressive chemotherapy and radiation treatments. He has the rest of this week left and next week and hopefully he will be done. I went today and spent some time with him. It truly broke my heart to see him so sick. This man I love so very much is fighting the battle of his life and all I can do is watch. I can hold his hand and give him hugs, and tell him that I love him. But I cant take the pain away that this vicious beast is doing to him. I know that he was putting on a brave face for me today....but it is very hard to hide that kind of excruciating pain. He cant eat because his mouth and throat are so sore they feel like they are on fire. What I wouldn't give for it to be the other way around. I wish I could take it all away for him. I wish I knew how to tell him how much I love him and how much of a HERO he is in my eyes. Rascal Flatts has a new song out called I wont let go...and that is exactly how I feel about my brothers. I will stand by you, I will help you through, when you have done all you can do and you cant cope, I will dry your eyes, I will fight your fight, I will hold you tight and I WONT LET YOU FALL!!!! I WONT LET GO!!! I WONT LET YOU DOWN! YOUR GONNA MAKE IT...I KNOW YOU CAN! I cant let you go! I am so thankful that I got to spend some time with him today. Just for him to know that I was there. and I will be there tomorrow. and every day that I can possibly be there. I love you~

3/7/11 The choices I make....make me!

There is a choice you have to make in everything you do. So, keep in mind that in the end, the choice you make, makes you. ~ j.Maxwell

I was reminded of this tonight....I make choices every day of my life...some are good, some are not so good....lately I seem to be making the not so good ones. I cant seem to stay focused to save my life...I am irritated,aggravated, and completely unmotivated. I have gained 6 lbs in the last 5 weeks and even though that truly makes me sad I still just want to keep eating. I have no desire to go to the gym. I am thankful that my hubby is pushing because if he weren't I don't think I would go at all! I finally have picked up my camera again...which is really sad because Shane bought me a new one for Valentines day...I didn't even take it out of the box for a little over a week. I had no desire to do anything! Today I finally knocked out the wedding I was working on when the accident happened. tomorrow I hope to finish up the family session and the engagement session that I have been sitting on... Saturday night I had the pleasure of having dinner with Natalie Watson Norris....she is my favorite photog ever!!! I love the life in her. She truly is an inspiration to me. She invited me to hang out with her for her Easter minis with live baby chicks and I could practice with my new camera...I must thank her tremendously....I had a blast! It felt so good to laugh and see life from someone elses perspective and just to step away from all the heartache that has consumed my life over the past couple of months. I feel like maybe just maybe...I can take my life back. The choices I have made to let grief and anger consume me are making me. I am the only one who can stop these responses in my life. I just have to do it. I have turned around so many times I feel like I am on a merry go round. I am tired of it! I want my life back... I want to smile again, I want to laugh, I want to be excited about my family and my business and be eager to make life work again. I want to have the eagerness to fight the VA for what my husband deserves. I want to have the competitiveness to take my own life back and become the person I want to be. I want to make choices and not mind that they are what makes me because they are good choices. So one breath at a time. I am getting off of the merry go round and I am going to stand on these somewhat unsteady feet of mine and be proud of who and what I am. My choices will make me....and I will be proud of them...After all it is my life and this is my journey....I will lose this weight. Goal for tomorrow....GYM!!!! Family session done and out the door....and to find one thing about me that I love! and one thing I will work on......small steps!