Creating Myself

"Life isn't about finding yourself--life is about creating yourself." ~George Bernard Shaw So I got some things accomplished today...not nearly what I had wanted to but more than I had hoped. That sounds crazy but it is the way my mind works. I set these crazy high expectations of myself and then get upset when I dont make them instead of being thankful that I accomplished something. I managed to go to the gym, run an errand for momma, and go to the grocery store. Did I last the whole 2 hours that I wanted to at the gym...nope...but I did last 20 minutes on the bike and go 3.56 miles on a random setting, that went up and down hills. I havent been to the gym in forever so why cant I be proud of myself for making the effort to go...maybe if I get up and make it there tomorrow. I managed to eat somewhat healthier today but have beat myself up for eating 2 doughnuts this morning before deciding that I was going to the gym. I started clearing my desk and working on my list for tomorrow...then I got distracted...so my desk didnt get cleaned off. But I should be proud of all the paper that got sorted and ready for filing and the trash that got thrown away. I started cleaning out my closet today, but didnt have the chance to finish it...it is on my list for tomorrow. I was completely disgusted with myself this morning when I got on the scale and saw that I was back up to 225lbs. I read a statement the other day that a friend of ours wrote on his page about all these women who complain about their weight and never get off their buts to do anything about it. I dont want to be that person. so I only lasted 20 minutes today...maybe tomorrow will be 30. I am the only one who can change me... I feel like I get caught up in stupid stuff and lose my focus on what I should be doing...I feel like....oh wait, I see a butterfly. REALLY! but that is how I feel. I have to work on that. tomorrow is a new page in this book, I am going to bed early with the hopes of getting up and starting a little earlier and creating the day I hope for!

Dreams into Plans.....

So I read this quote today....She turned her cant's into CANS, and her Dreams in Plans. I think this is going to be my new motto. Something I will strive towards on every page of this book I am writing in called MY LIFE! I didn't write about my page yesterday because I spent the day living the page. After a few yard sales, helping someone I have gotten very close to pack up to join her husband in their own journey, and doing a little bit of cleaning, we ate dinner and curled up on the couch and watched a movie with my hunny. It was a good day overall. Today, I got up this morning and took momma some blankets for their trip that she forgot at home...ended up setting dads phone off in the middle of church trying to get a hold of Momma. I felt so bad about that...but he just laughed it off. I love him! Went by the store and grabbed a few things, came home made breakfast...and then went and laid back down and slept for the next 5 hours, got up made dinner and play World of Warcraft with the hubby. Accomplished absolutely NOTHING today...but I am ok with that. I have been thinking tonight about where I want my life to be and how I am going to get there. I need to set some goals in life, in love, and in business. I have always heard it said if you are not happy where you are there is only one person that can change it...YOU! So tomorrow I am going to do my best to get on that scale and see how far I have really let myself go and do some things to fix it. I am going to sit down and really look at where our business it and set some goals to get it to where I want it to be. I have already started working on fixing the things I dont like in my relationship. We were supposed to get away this weekend. We ended up just getting away at home. Resting, spending time together and just being. It feels really good! I feel like a different person, I just needed to realize that I need a reset on my priorities, that my house needs a thorough cleaning as well as my soul. I need to remember who I am and what I believe in..I believe in me! I love what I do, I love who I am with, and I love my kids. This has been an eye opening weekend. Now I just have to put things into motion and learn to follow through. Looking forward to the week ahead and turning my Cant's into CAN's and my Dreams into PLANS!!!!

It's my story.......I will hold the pen!! Thanks!

Wow where to begin...I can almost promise this post is going to be super duper long. My life has seemed to slip into a chaotic roller coaster ride for the last 2 weeks. From having the scariest 7 and a half hours of my life. We as well as the doctors thought that Shane was having a heart attack....he sure had all the symptoms. Turned out to be a dangerously low magnesium level and an electrolyte imbalance. I never EVER want to go thru that again. He told me on the way to the hospital that he thought he was going to die. I literally thought I was going to lose him that night. It makes you second guess A LOT of things that you thought were important to you. You find out your priorities are and have been a little or a lot in my case out of whack. He is finally feeling better but the last 2 days have been a little shaky...he says he isn't feeling good again and that he is super tired. He has been taking the medicine so hopefully he just isn't sleeping well. The past 2 Saturdays I have done a wedding with Manda. The first one put me in bed for 3 days...I literally could barely move. I couldnt stand to put any weight on my legs at all without sending sharp shooting pains up my legs into my back. Later in that week Manda calls me and we end up taking her to the ER she has no feeling in her left arm and her left leg wasnt working properly. After sitting in the ER in Enterprise for 2.5 hours and watching people being treated before us because they were complaining about the wait. We left and took her to Flowers in Dothan. Were seen within an hour. Tests ran all negative...was told needed to followup once the move to North Carolina was made the following Monday. Shot another wedding with her and Erin that Saturday...she was really hurting all the way thru it, but she was a trooper.Got a call during that wedding that my brother had had a heart attack, had gotten a stint within 15 minutes of being at the hospital and was in intensive care. Sunday went to Nat's house and shot Landin's 4th birthday party, was getting ready to leave and Manda text me and said she couldnt feel her arm at all. Back to the ER we went. More tests, more tests, and yet more tests, to be told to be back in the morning at 445 mind you its after midnight at this point....we should have just spend the night. Anyway...we were back the next morning only to find out that registration doesnt even open until 530, and that only 2 of the 4 MRI's needed had been ordered and the only way to get the other 2 ordered was to go back thru the ER. AGAIN! Frustrated doesnt even begin to cover it. But we did....Thank God for small miracles....we got the doctor that morning that we had seen the week before, he truly listened. THANK YOU DR. MCDONALD! He ordered what needed to be ordered and within hours Manda was diagnosed with MS. She was overwhelmed to say the least, again I was slapped in the face that time is precious. Relationships are precious,friendships..... As I sat and held her hand that day and gave her big hugs from her momma (who was on her way with her dad as soon as she got the call) spoke to her husband ( whom had already left for military training in North Carolina and couldnt come running as much as he wanted to do just that), you start to question why God puts you in places at certain times. Not that I am questioning his judgement...just why he would trust me to be there for all of that. My heart ached for all of them. This is a girl that 3 weeks ago really didnt know me from Adam's housecat. And now I knew more about her than most people. I felt closer to her than I knew what to do with. We left the hospital and went straight to the neurologist office where she had spent most of the previous friday having test's done, only to have more tests done. She had a brainwave test done and the good news of the day was that her brain is still working properly and there are no delays....THANK YOU GOD!!! ON to the spinal tap x's 3. It was truly the most heartbreaking thing to watch this person that I have come to love soooo much hurt so bad. He couldnt get it....but again she tried her hardest to let him try. As I am standing there trying to calm her down and tell that she can do it...I am watching him dig around trying to find the right space to get the fluid..I wanted so bad to scream at him to stop hurting her. He originally wanted to start aggressive steroid infusion therapy that day...but when he saw how exhausted she was, he said there was no way that he could put her thru that. So we went home.....her parents came in that night, it was so hard to walk out the door and leave her. I know they are her parents and love her more than their own life, but it just felt like I was walking out on her. It sucked! It still sucks. They have done infusion therapy on her for the last 4 days and she has one more tomorrow. And then she is going to leave going to North Carolina....I feel like I am losing one of my best friends....which is really weird because we just met. I have admired her work from afar for a while, but never really had the chance to know her. Until now... I know that she is going to be so strong and get thru this. She is a fighter....we wont let her give up. I know that she has a long journey ahead of her, but she has so much to fight for and I know that she will and I know that I will be right here for her the entire way.
Tuesday we go to the VA with Shane. We sit down with the doctor, tell her what has been going on with him. She proceeds to tell us that she wants to run some new tests on him to see how far his TBI has progressed. She says to her, he presents as a much worse Brain Injury than originally diagnosed. So she wants to have some tests done. She sets up the referral. We got the appointment in the mail today..The quickest we have ever heard back from a referral. He has an appointment on December 5 in Tuskeegee.... So now we wait....I think that is the hardest part. I am scared and excited all at the same time if that is even possible. By these tests we will be able to see how much his TBI has progressed in the last 2 years since being diagnosed. I am excited because if they can pinpoint where it is progressing they will better know how to treat it. I am scared to death for him to know how quickly it is progressing because that will kind of give us an estimate of when they think his memory loss will progress. I am scared that he will give up and quit trying...That is a bridge we will cross when and if we have to. I love him and no matter what will stand by his side. It is where I belong!
ON the way home from that appointment, I get a call that my sister is being life flighted to a hospital in Panama City, Fl. They think she has had a stroke. She was unresponsive for a little bit and then had to be sedated to be flown.....She has NEVER liked planes!!! Never had a desire to be in one...she has always been like my momma in that respect...My momma always use to say that if God had wanted her to fly..he would have given her wings....he didnt and she wasnt! I dont think I will ever forget that.... anyway turns out all the testing is normal...they really dont know what happened. Hopefully she will get to come home tomorrow. I know that God said he would never put more on us than we could handle, but my shoulders are awfully heavy....I am exhausted....mentally, physically, emotionally. I feel like I could sleep for months! I am trying to get my family, my home, and my business back in order. I feel like if I can just get it all cleaned back up that I will be able to function again. At least that is what I am hoping! I need to get back in the gym...I just dont have the strength to be there. My body feels disgusting....I just feel heavy! Hoping for a breakthrough in the next week. Something has to give Lord....you add all of that to I feel like we are robbing peter to pay paul and the ends never really meet...I am just tired.... I do feel better now that I have laid all of this out....I am going to go to bed and try to sleep and get up and do some garage selling tomorrow...I need some renewed faith in what I do....and who I am! So it is my book and a new page to be written every day.....Thank you God for all the people and things that I love. I am very blessed and well aware of love being more than wealth..... Can't wait to see what tomorrow holds! Night!