2/21/11 The start of a new chapter......

"Do what you can, with what you have, where you are." ~Theodore Roosevelt

I love this quote and that is exactly what I plan to do. I have spent the last almost 3 weeks now...moping around not really accomplishing anything. I have gained 4 lbs...and I am soooooooooooooo not happy about that. But I am the only one who can do anything about it. So that is exactly what I am going to do!!! I am going to do something about it! I made my to do list out for the week tonight. I have spent the day trying to catch up on the mountain of laundry that has accumulated while i have let life slip thru my fingers....still have 4 loads to do....but I did manage to put a good meal on the table and make my bed and straighten up my dresser today. I have pretty much just adopted the TO DO list from 3 weeks ago that I wrote in my last blog. These last 3 weeks have been an emotional roller coaster ride for me...As I was hitting send on my last blog almost 3 weeks ago, my cell phone rang. It was my sister telling me that my biological mom and her husband had been killed in a car accident. My entire world turned upside down. If any of you had been reading my blog up until that point....you would understand that she and I were not on the best terms by any means. I had tried to make ammends with her again and felt as if she were pushing me away. She was dying of cancer and I knew this was my last opportunity so I tried, she pushed, I walked. Well getting that called made it FINAL! There would never be another chance for me to try and there would never be another chance for her to give me the answers that I soooo desperately felt I had needed for all these years. I went from being sad to being angry to being hurt to being mad and so the roller coaster began. I have felt like a ticking time bomb, trying to convince everyone that I was ok. Shane kept telling me it was time to let it go...that I had to move on with my own life and do what was best for me....and although I knew he was right...it still didnt make it any easier....It took Tara telling me the exact same thing that my husband had been telling me for days for it to really sink in. I have thought and thought about what they said and how to make myself understand and to be able to let go. I know that everything happens for a reason and I may not know why or how but I know that it does. I have decided to take my life back and live as if there will be no tomorrow. While building a future. I know that sounds crazy but it is how I feel. I am completely coming to terms with not having my own children. My house and my heart are full of life. My nephew is joining our household next week for the rest of his junior year and senior year of high school. So even though I didnt give birth to either of the people that fill my heart as my own, and I would NEVER try to replace their own mothers (because they both have wonderful mothers) I feel like my life and my family are complete. I have truly been blessed to be able to build a new relationship with my family and for that I am so very thankful. I have missed them so much! I knew that I did....but so didnt realize just how much until being with them again thru all the funeral stuff. I feel like I have a firm foundation on which to stand again. I may not have the best of everything but I am going to do the best I can with what I have. and be thankful for every blessing that I am given, no matter how small or where it came from. If I have learned one thing at all from the past 3 weeks I think this is what I will always remember.... Cherish those you have in your life still, because you never know when they won't be there anymore. It is my life and I am going to make every moment count....

2/2/11 No Worries.....

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.
~Charles Schultz

I love this quote I got in my email this morning....I wish it were that easy to not worry. NOT IN MY LIFE! I am so sick of worrying....I am looking for a shut off valve. Cant I just turn it off like I would turn off a water faucet. I am tired of it. So I haven't met any of my goals so far today that I set yesterday....and it is now 3pm..... of course it didn't help that I couldn't sleep last night and that I didn't even fall asleep until 3 am...after taking NyQuil hoping not to catch Shane's cold. So in turn I slept until NOON....Well that just throws my WHOLE DAY off....so I feel like I have accomplished nothing...although I fixed lunch, started the mountains of laundry and returned emails.....I still have a mile long to do list. I am going to knock most of it out today...even if it kills me....
New goals for today....
Finish the laundry...this means completely...folding, hanging, putting away..the whole nine yards...not just sitting in the basket like last weeks laundry.
Cleaning the studio....I desperately need to organize that room....
Cleaning my bedroom....which means putting the rest of the laundry away from last week....
Vacuuming every room....
Cleaning the dining room...putting away and organizing the scrapbook closet.....(MAYBE)
Organizing my desk.....
Making a list of things I need to accomplish for the photography business....
making a list of things I need to accomplish for the collectibles business....
and taking some time for me to exercise and work on my change my life challenge.....

Can it all be done....we will see.....

Weight for today was 220.8 ( the .8 is probably from eating at 11 pm last night becasue I skipped dinner.....yeah not a good thing for my weightloss journey.....)
Blood Sugar this morning was 167. A little high...but not as high as it has been.....I have got to get with the program and get that under control....
WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have got to get myself under control......
I REFUSE TO DROWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is my life after all and I am thankful for it!

2/1/11

One of the most helpful images to have of yourself in your family is that of a trim tab - the small rudder that moves the big rudder and eventually changes the entire direction of the plan.
~Stephen R. Covey


Lord, Please let me see myself as this part of the rudder....because right now I feel as if I am the part that takes it down. I cant seem to keep myself motivated for nothing.....I feel as if I am drowning...Who knows...maybe I am. I am just tired...as a matter of fact...I am EXHAUSTED...it seems like every time I turn around there is something else going wrong or someone else that needs something done...I love my family and I am so thankful for the closeness that I have with them...I don't know what I would do without them. I need to make some changes within me...so that I am a better member of this family..I need to work on me...I need to be happy with me...and with the person that I am...but I am so far from being happy....I feel like I am the good year blimp...but lately the only thing that is really comforting to me is food. I want so badly to change the things in my life that matter the most to me...but cant seem to find the courage to follow thru. I am tired I am going to bed....maybe tomorrow will be better.....although today was fun....other than shane beign sick...we took Jaq out for her birthday...we went to lunch at Olive Garden and then went to Michaels.....I am rambling now...I really have nothing left to say....

I weighed 220 this morning....I am sure with the way I ate today I will weigh 225 tomorrow...
No exercise today...unless you are counting me lifing my fork to my face.....
I am so disgusted with me....

Goals for tomorrow.....
get some work done.....
exercise, eat right....take care of me....

we will see.....ILYSP!