Yet another start.....

This morning I got up and was completely unhappy with the way I feel about myself. I feel like I have just let myself go..Like I dont care about me anymore...When did that happen. When did I start worrying about what other people thought of me so much that I let them run over me. I have gained back up to 222.2lbs I feel disgusted with myself. I feel like I have just given up. I started thinking about this today....Who am I....So I am going to start over...(AGAIN). I am going to try to discover who I am, what I want to do with my life. If I am not happy with myself, how can I expect someone else to be happy with me? I really can't. And I am currently not happy with a whole lot of things about me. I am not happy with the way I have disregarded my relationships with the people who love me and that I have just taken for granted would always be there for me.I am good at telling other people to not let things get to them..for them not to be disheartened...but I dont take my own advice. I have always been better at taking care of other people than I have at taking care of myself. I need to work on that. I let my desk get so cluttered and the office so overwhelmed that I hated even walking thru it to get to the kitchen..much less spending time in here. Well today I started fixing that. I cleared off and organized my desk. I have a bunch of paperwork to file...but it is at least organized and not overwhelming. Tomorrow I think I will tackle my bedroom. I have pretty much just gotten so depressed that I have given up on everything. It doesnt ever seem to be easy....I guess that is what happens when you try to take on the world and make it better....you end up with 5 adults and 8 children all under one roof. Its hard. I know that God will never put us where he cant or wont sustain us..but sometimes I wonder if some of it was really God...or me. I am always a sucker...I always want to help the hurting...not realizing at the time that it will hurt me or my husband. He is the same way...which can be a lethal combination. But we are managing most of the time....I need some things to change in the coming year. I have come to realize that I am the only one who can change them...Now to figure out how. Tonight I went to the gym...wasnt there long but at least it was a start. I know this is probably a ramble...but they are random thoughts that I needed to say. Maybe I will try to put some things in perspective tomorrow and try to set some goals.... we shall see.