"Faith dares the soul to go farther than it can see." ~William Clark
This is the quote in my email this morning. I am a true believer in this. I never have any idea where I am going but somehow always end up exactly where I need to be. Most of the time not realizing until I am there exactly the process of how I got there. One of my goals for this year has been stepping back and looking at my life and making the changes that I have wanted to change for a long time. My attitude and outlook on life, my weight, the growth of our business, among other small things... ONe of the biggest things that I have to let go is the inability to have a child. I have thought several times that I am ok with it, that I love my life the way it is. But then I will see someone else pregnant or with a newborn baby and my heart aches all over again. This is a battle I have fought for many years. When you asked me what I wanted to be when I was little the only thing I ever remember really wanting was to be a mommy. Now dont get me wrong. I have always had children in my life that I loved as my own and dont think I could love any more if they were mine...but at the end of every day it is someone else that they call Mommy. I throughout my life have been able to help several children along the way and if I had had my own that most likely wouldn't have been an option. I am grateful for that but those children always end up going home and I am left sitting alone. Well not alone...but you know what I mean. I dont know why this is such an issue for me today more so than any other day....but it is weighing heavy on my heart today.
Onto other things. I am going to head back to the gym today....and hope that I can keep it up. I am down to 218lbs....now if I can just keep doing down instead of fluctuating from here to 222. If I can quit wanting breads, and pastas, and all things bad for me, I would be ok. But those are the things that I want sooooo bad. those are the things that I crave. Today is the day that I feel like just giving up....So today is the day that I will push myself ALOT to do just the opposite and work harder to reach my goal.... I am not sure how I am going to accomplish this but dangit I am!!! I can do this....I have to do this...there is no other option. I want to be healthy.. I am sick of feeling like the good year blimp...I am sick of not being able to breathe when I lay down at night....or when I walk from the grocery store to the truck....I am going to change this. Only I can do this....After all it is my life and it is what I make it!!! To the gym I go!!!!!
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