Today was a really hard day for me. I have loved my brothers for as long as I can remember and they have always been right up there with my daddy as my heroes.....they could do no wrong in my eyes...I thought they were invincible...I haven't been in close contact with them in the last few years because of some personal reasons that I will not put out there for the world to see. However a few weeks back for saddening reasons they are a part of my life again. As most of you know I was adopted by my grandparents on March 22, before I turned 2 on May 28. in the last few weeks before my biological mom's death she had been really sick. She was diagnosed with brain cancer which had originated as lung cancer and spread to her brain. I spent some time with her at the hospital prior to her car accident that claimed her life on Feb 2 of this year. While she was in the hospital one of my brothers was rushed in as well to the same hospital. I stayed at the hospital that night and realized just how much both of my brothers meant to me. AND just how much I missed them and couldn't imagine my life without either of them in it any longer. I was so scared to make the effort to walk back in again. I don't think I could have stood it if either of them wouldn't want me in their life. But I promised myself that I would make the effort and I would know that I had done every single thing I could do to make things right with both of them. I would make sure they both new exactly how much I loved them and what they meant to me. I have seen them both a few times since or talked on the phone with them. I don't know if I will EVER be able to tell them what they mean to me. All I can do is pray that they know they are my world. 4 months ago my older brother, the brother that held my hand and walked me down the aisle for my first marriage and told me he was proud of me, the one that when my dad died called me every day for weeks to see if I was ok, the one when I had a devastating period of my life was the one who would call every day just to check on me, was diagnosed with cancer in his neck and is having aggressive chemotherapy and radiation treatments. He has the rest of this week left and next week and hopefully he will be done. I went today and spent some time with him. It truly broke my heart to see him so sick. This man I love so very much is fighting the battle of his life and all I can do is watch. I can hold his hand and give him hugs, and tell him that I love him. But I cant take the pain away that this vicious beast is doing to him. I know that he was putting on a brave face for me today....but it is very hard to hide that kind of excruciating pain. He cant eat because his mouth and throat are so sore they feel like they are on fire. What I wouldn't give for it to be the other way around. I wish I could take it all away for him. I wish I knew how to tell him how much I love him and how much of a HERO he is in my eyes. Rascal Flatts has a new song out called I wont let go...and that is exactly how I feel about my brothers. I will stand by you, I will help you through, when you have done all you can do and you cant cope, I will dry your eyes, I will fight your fight, I will hold you tight and I WONT LET YOU FALL!!!! I WONT LET GO!!! I WONT LET YOU DOWN! YOUR GONNA MAKE IT...I KNOW YOU CAN! I cant let you go! I am so thankful that I got to spend some time with him today. Just for him to know that I was there. and I will be there tomorrow. and every day that I can possibly be there. I love you~
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