"At the end of the day you either focus on what's tearing you apart or you focus on what's holding you together. The choice is yours to make.....
I think this is going to be my everyday new motto....For so long I have focused on what was tearing me apart. The choices that I had made....for seemingly all the wrong reasons. Today started out to be one of those days where I was focusing on what was tearing me apart...I woke up to the phone ringing so I answered it, it was her....where is my medicine, I am going home today...I need it...I need it now...You have to come right now! No good morning, no how is your day, no how did you sleep...it was instantaneous griping from the minute I said hello. Well good morning to you too, I wanted to scream...but I didn't. I said ok...I will be there as soon as I can. I have to get some stuff together for an appointment that I have this afternoon but I will be there. Well you have to come here first. you have to come here NOW...they will be here to get me and I cant be without those medicines. Your life REALLY DOES revolve around this bag of pills I have doesn't it...I sooo wanted to yell at her....but I didn't. I simply, calmly said...I'll be there and hung up the phone. From then to the time I got dressed, got my stuff together and walked out the door...3 more calls...just like the first. I keep repeating to myself...this is it...the last time you have to walk thru this fire. One foot in front of the other and just BREATHE!!! BREATHE!!! I can do this....and I did!!! The whole time I was in her room she was fussing at the nurse because the doctor didn't write her some kind of prescription that he had promised. I gave her a hug, told her I loved her and walked out of the room. I truly do love her. For without her I wouldn't be here....but the greatest decision she ever made for me was to give me away...she gave me away to the 2 people who loved and cherished me as their own. For that I will forever be grateful to her. As I was walking down the hallway of the hospital I felt a little guilty...I felt like I was walking out on her....but I am not...she chose this path and she walked out on me....32 years ago. I gave you away because I didnt love you....I never have and I never will.....is ringing thru my head the whole time....once again I am that 8 year old little girl. I pick my head up, reassure myself again that I am making the best decisions I can make for me. I am so thankful that Jackie went with me...I think if it had not been for her I would have fallen to pieces....but she is my rock....she is one amazing young lady....she never ceases to amaze me... She always knows just the right things to say when I need them said....or just the right time to hug me and tell me she loves me....or just to crack me up. That child will forever hold a huge piece of my heart. I am so thankful that I get to play a part in her life. I truly believe she is an angel. We leave there and go eat lunch at McDonald's....definitely not good for my weight loss journey....but soooo good for my soul. Then we go to Jessica's to layout all the details for the wedding on Saturday....and I got soooo sidetracked by the sweetest little soul...who has fought so hard to be here.....Holding her in my arms, laying her on my chest...kissing her little head, feeding her, taking pictures of her....knowing some of her journey...My problems don't seem near as big. She soothed my soul.....I don't think I will ever understand just how it is when you hold a tiny little life in your hands how everything else seems to disappear. This is a part of my family that I have never really known and a part that I look forward in getting to know. I am so excited to capture the fairytale on camera as Jessica marries her very best friend! I love my job. It doesn't seem like a job....it is a passion for me! I am so thankful for the chance to pursue it....I am so thankful for that precious baby girl today who truly captured a part of my heart. I am also thankful that 19 year old that captures my heart day after day...I love her randomness, her quirkiness, I love her for who she is....and what she is to me. I am thankful for a man that stands beside me and supports my decisions be what they may...even when he doesn't exactly agree with them....he is still there to hold my hand when I stumble. and pick me up when I fall. I have the most amazing friends, and as my friend pointed out to me in the comment on my last blog....family isn't just made by DNA....it is made by love, strength, and courage....and I am truly blessed with all of that...I couldn't ask for anything more...
PS...taking a picture of the sunset with a bigger camera while driving down the road and allowing someone else to hold the wheel because the sunset is on the driver's side....= not exactly the best thing to do but lots of laughter....well that and talking about the weird dreams you have been having....huh jaq?
So at the end of the day...I choose to focus on what is holding me together....and build upon those rocks!!!!! For today I am blessed!
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