1/19/11 A horrible week

This has been a horrible week for me....Family illness, personal stuggles, and just an all around bad week.... My eating went to crap....There was no exercise unless you count running from one hospital room to the other and back again for 2 days...or the million miles from hospital rooms to the truck a few times. Running on empty for those days and then when I got home being so exhausted that I slept for hours....Now I feel like I am just drained...physically, mentally, emotionally...If I didnt know better I would swear I was drowning.....So needless to say my weight is all over the place. I got the email Sunday around 11 am....that my biological mother ( whom I grew up with as my sister, my grandparents adopted me before I was 2) had been admitted to the hospital in Dothan. They had done some tests and had found that her lung cancer has now spread to her brain. In the beginning of that day we were told that there was a 10 mm tumor on the left side of her brain....by yesterday evening when the radiation oncologist came in we were told that there were 5 tumors about that side on her brain. One doctor telling us that he thought the best thing for us to do was to just make her comfortable. He didnt think she would survive all of this....and then yesterday the oncologist told them that he recommended radiation. So this morning she starts coughing and passes out for no apparent reason....not once but twice and they send her home today to come back to the oncologist tomorrow. I was not able to go up there yesterday or today, so all of this comes from my sisters (her sisters if you are being technical...but since I am adopted they are all my sisters) confused yet....Welcome to my life. However in the midst of all of this...my brother (one of which I love more than life itself) was rushed into the hospital by ambulance from another hospital....he was admitted and tests run to show that he had 3 duodenal(????) ulcers, one of which had been bleeding, but has NO ACTIVE bleeding now. However apparently today he is in a lot of pain so they will run more tests tomorrow. Then you throw my other brother in....( whom I also love more than life) He was diagnosed a few weeks back with cancer in his neck and started radiation today...along with that came a feeding tube for him. Now if any of you know either of my brothers you will know that this is very difficult for both of them. They are 2 of the most stubborn men I have ever met in my life and getting them to go to the doctor is like getting an elephant to move...without peanuts....IT DOESN'T HAPPEN! Both of them work themselves to death. and for either of them to be missing work or have to take a leave of absence you know there is most definitely something wrong! They don't go to the doctor for anything...Then you add on top of that that I have another sister who is having a lymph node cut out of her neck within a couple of weeks, that they don't know if is cancer. I am a little nervous. No they are not my biological siblings but if you want to get technical about it...they would still be my aunt and uncles....SO it would still be all in the family. I am so nerve wracked and then I get home and have a huge falling out with my biological sister whom up until recently I haven't talked to in over 2 years. ( A whole nother story that I am not ready to tell yet) and because I will not push my biological mom to have radiation if the doctors don't think she will make it thru it. I have automatically become a self righteous selfish bitch. How exactly does that work. I am not really sure....because I chose to walk away from the woman who gave me away 32 years ago....She made the choice. NOT ME! I offered her a relationship with me if she just got sober....if she would take her medications as prescribed and not keep going from doctor to doctor to hospital to hospital....She refused...that was 2 years ago. So up until this past weekend I had only spoken to her a handful of times....every single time she was on pills and couldn't carry a conversation. So yes I made the decision to step away...if that makes me a bad person, then I am sorry. I tried....I failed. Maybe I am failing again. I don't know...I just know that I cant do this again. Every time I look at her I feel myself become that 8 year old little girl that she told she didn't love that she never had and she never would. I see all the times I have asked her for answers and every time she has given me a different answer. None of which have ever been the same twice. I have tried really hard to let all of this go...I wish it were easy just to throw all of that away and be there for her in her time of need. But I haven't been able to do that yet. It was a tremendous feat for me to even go to the hospital....but I did. I know I am probably letting her and everyone else down but I have to do what is best for me. If that makes me selfish then so be it.....I guess there is a first time for everything. I have been trying to write all of this out since Monday and had not been able to....every time I sat down to write it I would shut down and cry...well today I just got angry....I guess angry is a start...because tonight I worked out and then got on here and started writing...hopefully tomorrow will be a better day and I will be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel on this roller coaster ride of emotion that I am currently struggling with. All I can do is hope! I have to take care of me.....I may regret it in the end...but I have struggled with this feeling since I was 8....now it is time to face it head on....the sad part is, if I confronted her with it there is no doubt in my mind that she would swear she never said it....I wish she hadn't.....but she did...I am the one who has had to live with it. Dont get me wrong....I am so greatful that I was adopted by my parents who loved me more than i ever could have imagined.....I just wanted answers, and I wanted her to have a good one as to why she kept my little sister and chose to give me away....why she let me crawl out the door at 18 months old and never looked for me...until my stepdad got home 12 hours later and couldnt find me.....why she would never tell me who my biological father was.....I just wanted answers....I guess at 34 I still do...and she is still not willing to give them....So where do I go from here......how do I live with all of that....why did it all have to come to this....she is dying and everyone expects me to just give in and be there adn take care of her....I dont know if I am strong enough for all of that......I feel like I am drowning....and I am going to refuse to eat my way out of this one......food will not be my comfort....not this time...I have to figure out a way to deal...without losing myself again....so that is my goal for this week....to get 2-3 more workouts in...and figure out a way to deal with life....I know this blog is all over the place but that kinda goes with how I am currently feeling.....ALL OVER THE PLACE!