Today I saw the sweetest little miracles....
20 little fingers...20 little toes...
The smallest little ones I have ever held.
How can you not believe in miracles when you hold 3lbs 12 oz of a little life in your hand?
I go back and forth with this demon of wanting to be a mother...I tell myself that I am over it...and I will be ok if it never happens. 15 years and 9 miscarriages later you would think I would totally give up the idea. But somehow when I see these precious little lives its hard to know that that will never be me. To know that I will never get the gift of giving someone life. To know that I will never hear a childs voice call me mommy. I watched today with huge admiration as my friends 3 year old came in to see her new little sisters and her face light up as she sat on the bed beside her momma...I literally almost busted out in tears because that is tenderness and love I will never know. Yes I have known the love of children when it was convenient for someone else to want me to spend time with them, but at the end of the day they will always have a mother and at the end of every day that mother will not be me. All I have ever wanted, something I will never have. How do you let go of something that has driven you for so many years? How do you let go of that hope and realize that it was never meant to be you? So many attempts at different aspects of trying to have a baby or adopt...nothing... So how do I walk away from that? How do I let go? Yesterday marked the 8th anniversary of one of the most devastating days in my life. I lost my own smallest miracles... I was so sure that was going to be the one to take. that was going to be the pregnancy that I was able to hang on to...it just seemed so right. It was supposed to be me with those 20 tiny toes and 20 little fingers and those sweet little smiles. One day we had heartbeats and the next day they were gone. I felt like the life had been sucked out of me. It was the longest I ever carried. The most attached I had ever felt. I knew that I was going to finally be a mommy. I should have known better. I wish it was easy just to walk away from the dream. I wish I could wake up one day and the desire would be gone. I dont know if I will ever understand why it couldn't be me...what I did that was so wrong. I know people that should never ever have been given such a blessing...but they were and those children have been so hurt, and thrown away. I want to go up to some people and literally point them out to God and ask why.... and then I want to choke the life out of them because they dont deserve what they have been given. I just dont understand. Maybe I never will....
I wish I could be happy with just being an Auntie....
I just wish I could let it all go.
The whole little girl dream.....the same every little girl dreams....
The little white house....
The white picket fence....
The Amazing Husband...(this one I have)
The yard full of kids....
Some people dont get the fairytale....not even when it is all they have ever wanted.... I just wish it hadn't been my dream....I wish it didn't mean so much to me....
One foot in front of the other....keep going.....
just breathe.....breathe...breathe...
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