1/26/11 The decision to live my life.....

As I sit here, I am aggravated, frustrated and so many other things I dont even know where to begin. I have been back and forth about my decision to walk away or stay. This has not been an easy week for me by any means. It has probably been on the list with the 10 hardest places I have ever been in my life. I have felt guilty, I have felt betrayed. I have been angry, I have been sad, and those million other feelings I can't describe. I have not been able to sleep, or eat right....I will be nauseaus and then starving....I have lost 9 lbs gained 2, lost 3 again...I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster ride and I cant get the conductor to turn the thing off. On top of all this I am 3 weeks late. 9 miscarriages later....I dont know how I have felt about that. I have taken 3 pregnancy tests...ALL NEGATIVE!!!! But still nothing. There is always that little glimmer of hope that maybe this will be the time....and then A HUGE let down when it is negative. I had made myself believe that I was ok with never having a baby...like I said before 9 miscarriages...and then you add 3 adoptions falling thru at the last minute....I am just ready to give up and let it go....or so I thought....I like my life the way it is. So why am I all of a sudden so sad about not being pregnant. If anyone asked me when I was little what I wanted to be when I grew up it was never a doctor, or lawyer or a nurse....I ALWAYS wanted to be a mommy. I remember thinking that I wanted to love my child as much as my mother had loved me and I wanted to prove that I would be nothing like the woman that gave birth to me. I would never give my child away. Sad that those last thoughts were even in my head....however when I think of adoption I have always thought that mother gave the child away because she couldnt keep it for whatever reason. My bio mom told me when I was 8 that she gave me away because she didnt want me. The stories I have been told since then...ONLY REITERATE that to be the truth. But since my Mother died in 1997 she has tried to come back into my life as a mother figure. NOT HAPPENING! When my dad was really sick she chose to come and help me care for him and I have always felt indebted to her....however as I was thinking about this last week.....He was her father too (My grandparents adopted me.) she had just as much responsibility to care for him as I did. I am so thankful for the years that I got to spend taking care of my dad and getting to know him. I was always told that it was my responsibility to take care of him because he and my mother had chosen to take care of me when I was thrown away. Well I never looked at it as a responsibility or a burden. I looked at is as a blessing because I got to have all of this time with him. However that is the only time I can truly remember getting along with her...is when she came to help with my dad those last few months. i can remember few other times that she stepped into help but looking back now I wonder if it was to really help or to make herself feel better. About 2 years ago...I had had all I could take of her always being overly medicated and going from doctor to doctor, from one hospital to the next....she could never really hold a conversation without her sounding as if she was high as a kite. She became so unbelievable that I chose to walk away. I begged her to come off of the medications and get help. We tried to baker act her...they only kept her 2 days each time and she was right back to her old self. I even told her that I would walk away and never look back......she chose the drugs.....so I chose to walk. I spoke with her a few months back....when she was doing chemo....she didnt really act like she wanted anything to do with me so I didnt bother her. Well when she went into the hospital this time I went the first night and she made it out like I was only their for my brother....I had stuff this week to take care of so I came home and other members or our family was there. Her daughter came up the very first night, stayed for about 15 minutes and left....she hasnt been back since. However had the nerve to tell me that I am a self righteous, selfish bitch because I walked away from her for all those years....she neglects to remember all the things that she has done herself. but I am not going to air her dirty laundry in this blog. Maybe I will get all of my issues with her off my chest at a later date...but anyway...I went back to the hospital Monday night because Rhonda (my bio mom) was having her first round of radiation and I didnt want her to be alone the first night because noone would be there is she were to have a reaction.....however....it was me who had the reaction....she didnt really talk to me at all...she requested sleeping meds at 830 and was quite ugly to me. I took it in stride....I watched her sleep and made sure she didnt have a reaction...i finally laid down about 430 or so....I watched her be very ugly to some nurses because they didnt give her the meds she wanted when she wanted them, be very hateful to her husband because his car broke down and he couldnt get back up there.... ( he was supposed to bring her prescription pain medications from her first leave from the hospital a few days before) and then I discovered that she had other meds up there....the doctors had suspected that she was over medicating but she was denying having access to anything else. Well I took it with me when I left. As I was leaving that morning she was on the phone with her daughter, so I told her I had to go...she made no effort at all to talk to me...she was more interested in her phone conversation. So I left and stood just outside the door and listened to her tell her daughter thank God I was gone...and that she would have rathered it been her, and that she knew that she would have taken better care of her than I did. I cleaned her room when I got there...It was awful...there was stuff all over the floor, on her bed, on her wall cabinet...I did everything she asked me to do....but she chose to have the nurses do most everything because they knew what they were doing and I didnt. So as I walked out of there...I made the decision that I had to really think about doing the best things for ME and my TRUE family! I am sure I will be the worst possible person imaginable....but I AM OK with that. I did the best that I can do. I gave it everything I had. Now I have to walk away. I feel like I am drowning again...like that 8 year old little girl. I am not 8 years old anymore....I am 34 and I have to do what is best for me. I truly feel that what is best for me is to walk away. If that makes me selfish...then I guess I am selfish...but as many people in my life told me...I have to make the decisions that I can live with. I can live with not being hurt and not being reminded that I wasnt wanted. I am so thankful...MORE than anyone will ever know that I was adopted by 2 people that didnt have to take me...that wanted me and loved me just as if I were their own! I am also very thankful for the family that I have now...that have truly made me feel as part of a family...A real family that loves each other and wants to be there for each other. I have been blessed beyond belief. I have made the decisions...now I just have to follow thru.......I will follow thru with the decision to live my own life. I have more support than I ever realized. One step at a time....one foot in front of the other and JUST BREATHE!!!!!