2/21/11 The start of a new chapter......

"Do what you can, with what you have, where you are." ~Theodore Roosevelt

I love this quote and that is exactly what I plan to do. I have spent the last almost 3 weeks now...moping around not really accomplishing anything. I have gained 4 lbs...and I am soooooooooooooo not happy about that. But I am the only one who can do anything about it. So that is exactly what I am going to do!!! I am going to do something about it! I made my to do list out for the week tonight. I have spent the day trying to catch up on the mountain of laundry that has accumulated while i have let life slip thru my fingers....still have 4 loads to do....but I did manage to put a good meal on the table and make my bed and straighten up my dresser today. I have pretty much just adopted the TO DO list from 3 weeks ago that I wrote in my last blog. These last 3 weeks have been an emotional roller coaster ride for me...As I was hitting send on my last blog almost 3 weeks ago, my cell phone rang. It was my sister telling me that my biological mom and her husband had been killed in a car accident. My entire world turned upside down. If any of you had been reading my blog up until that point....you would understand that she and I were not on the best terms by any means. I had tried to make ammends with her again and felt as if she were pushing me away. She was dying of cancer and I knew this was my last opportunity so I tried, she pushed, I walked. Well getting that called made it FINAL! There would never be another chance for me to try and there would never be another chance for her to give me the answers that I soooo desperately felt I had needed for all these years. I went from being sad to being angry to being hurt to being mad and so the roller coaster began. I have felt like a ticking time bomb, trying to convince everyone that I was ok. Shane kept telling me it was time to let it go...that I had to move on with my own life and do what was best for me....and although I knew he was right...it still didnt make it any easier....It took Tara telling me the exact same thing that my husband had been telling me for days for it to really sink in. I have thought and thought about what they said and how to make myself understand and to be able to let go. I know that everything happens for a reason and I may not know why or how but I know that it does. I have decided to take my life back and live as if there will be no tomorrow. While building a future. I know that sounds crazy but it is how I feel. I am completely coming to terms with not having my own children. My house and my heart are full of life. My nephew is joining our household next week for the rest of his junior year and senior year of high school. So even though I didnt give birth to either of the people that fill my heart as my own, and I would NEVER try to replace their own mothers (because they both have wonderful mothers) I feel like my life and my family are complete. I have truly been blessed to be able to build a new relationship with my family and for that I am so very thankful. I have missed them so much! I knew that I did....but so didnt realize just how much until being with them again thru all the funeral stuff. I feel like I have a firm foundation on which to stand again. I may not have the best of everything but I am going to do the best I can with what I have. and be thankful for every blessing that I am given, no matter how small or where it came from. If I have learned one thing at all from the past 3 weeks I think this is what I will always remember.... Cherish those you have in your life still, because you never know when they won't be there anymore. It is my life and I am going to make every moment count....